How I'm Using Crowdfunding to Attend a Writing Conference

Crowdfunding. Maybe you love it. Maybe you hate it. Maybe you don't know all that much about it. If you don't, it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like: people asking other people to help fund their project or cause. Some of the most popular sites for this are Kickstarter, Indiegogo, and GoFundMe. People ask for funds to help them create something tangible like a comic book or movie, or for help paying for things like large medical bills, or to help with living expenses after personal tragedies for family or friends. There are endless possibilities of what people will try to fund this way. Authors will often use crowdfunding to raise money to publish books, or for the smaller parts of production along the way, like cover art or editing. For me, I'm trying to fund my way to the Romance Writers of America annual conference this summer, which is being held in New York City. So let's talk about the logistics.

Know Your Platform

And no, I don't mean your author platform. I mean the site you plan to use for your crowdfunding campaign. Look at their terms and conditions, FAQs, and pricing. Browse other campaigns that might be similar to yours and see what the successful ones look like. Make sure the thing you want to fund is a good fit for the platform you choose. For example, Kickstarter only allows for campaigns that will produce a tangible product. A book, a film, a CD, etc. While I am working on another book to release this year, that's not what I want to fund (because I'm not sure on the timeline that I'll be able to get it done). So Kickstarter wasn't the place for me.

Credit

I knew of GoFundMe and Indiegogo, and when I asked the Twittersphere about platforms, a friend pointed me toward a new branch of Indiegogo called Indiegogo Life. So I started looking into those. I was somewhat familiar with the main Indiegogo platform already after helping promote and offering a perk for a friend's campaign a while ago. I have very little experience with GoFundMe other than always seemingly having trouble with text readability on my phone whenever I checked out someone else's campaign. (Random, I know, but sometimes those are the things that will tip you one way or another.)

There are a few different funding and campaign models you can use with these platforms. Indiegogo has both flexible (you keep whatever money you make) and fixed (you have to meet your goal to get the money) funding. You offer perks to people donating at certain levels. If you're funding a book, for example, an obvious perk would be to offer a copy of the book to people who donate. You could offer a digital copy at a lower donation threshold and a paperback copy at a higher donation level. But again, I'm not funding a physical product. GoFundMe and Indiegogo Life don't use the perk system for donations, and GoFundMe doesn't have deadlines.

Know Your Project

When you go to set up your campaign, make sure you've done your research about what things will cost and how much you will need. I researched registration and hotel rates on the RWA website, then found a friend who is planning on going to share a room with. That cuts my room expense in half. I researched different travel arrangements to get a range of prices. Make sure you don't just automatically go with the rock bottom option when it comes to pricing your project. My two options for transportation are coach bus or airplane. Could I potentially go even cheaper with a complicated network of passenger buses and trains? Maybe. But I would be miserable, it would take me twice as long, and it would mean additional time away from paying work outside of just the conference, and that's no good.

Conference registration opens on February 3rd, and I know from checking on past conferences that rooms and registration fill up quickly. Ideally I want to know whether I'll be able to financially make conference attendance a reality by mid-February to make sure that I can secure a room and that I don't leave my roommate hanging until the last minute. Know what your own timeline looks like for your campaign--when you need funds and/or when you need to deliver a finished product if that's what you're funding--and set a deadline for your campaign accordingly.

Know Your Platform (Again)

This time I do mean your author platform in addition to the crowdfunding platform. Take an honest look at your social networks, your friends and family, and any resources you'll have at your disposal to secure funding and to spread awareness for your campaign. How many of those people do you think will actually contribute to your campaign, and how much do you realistically expect you can count on? Are you setting your hopes on a big surge of public support from people you've never been in contact with but who heard of your campaign through some great word of mouth? Know yourself, too.

I'm a shy introvert who hates asking for help and feels super awkward about putting myself out there for something like this. So realistically, I'm not planning on slamming my social networks with this all day every day, asking people to share and spread the word. I can feel my blood pressure rising with anxiety just thinking about doing that. Besides, I don't have a huge platform. I don't have thousands of followers on social media, and I'm not a big-name author (yet). I feel confident that the majority of my benefactors will be friends and family who love me and want me to succeed. Perhaps there will be some friends-of-friends who donate, or random internet strangers, or even a kind reader who finds their way to my campaign through my links on Facebook or Twitter. But all of this factors into which platform I chose for my campaign.

I decided to go with Indiegogo Life for my crowdfunding campaign for a few different reasons. As I mentioned, Kickstarter was out from the beginning because I'm not asking for funds to produce a tangible product. Because I don't need a large amount of money in the many thousands of dollars range, and because I'm unsure of my ability to reach large numbers of people willing to donate aside from my closest friends and family, fees suddenly became the number one deciding factor in choosing a crowdfunding platform.

Both Indiegogo (the main site) and GoFundMe have platform fees on top of transaction fees. That means either increasing the amount of money I ask for or sucking it up and dealing with that 8 or 9% loss of funds once everything is said and done. With Indiegogo Life, there are no platform fees, only the 3% transaction fee to process payments. I set up a 60-day campaign where I will receive all funds donated (minus the 3%) and I don't have to worry about different fees based on whether I make my goal or not, or the dreaded possibility of coming within mere dollars of my goal, not making it by the deadline, and then not getting any of the money at all. That's what made the most sense for me, for this project. It may not make the most sense for you and your project, so always do your homework.

Why Crowdfunding?

I do mention this briefly in my campaign description, but I'm sure some of you may be wondering why I turned to crowdfunding to help me attending this conference. First of all, the RWA conference is something I think will be very beneficial to me on the business side of writing. That's why I want to go. Unfortunately, it's an expensive conference, and certain circumstances make it financially difficult for me to even think about attending without any assistance. That's why I'm crowdfunding.

My husband has a great job that has transferred us a few times over the past few years after he was promoted. The adventure of moving and experiencing new cities is really fantastic. Unfortunately, we have been unable to sell the condo that we moved out of the first time we moved... almost four years ago now. And because of complicated rules and regulations, we also could not rent the house to at least break even on what we were paying. So for nearly four years we've been paying the mortgage for a house we don't live in, as well as rent in our new locations. We accumulated a lot of credit card debt trying to make ends meet during this time and recently took out a loan to consolidate all of that into something more manageable. There isn't any room in the budget currently for the hefty price tag of the RWA conference. And even though my husband is asleep in the next room as I write this, I can pretty much feel his death glare at the thought of financing this business expense with our newly-cleared credit cards.

This conference is a business expense that I can write off on next year's taxes. But I still need to pay for it up front. It's a very first world problem to have, I know, which makes it even more difficult for me to ask for financial assistance to fund this experience in the first place. But I've already seen that several kindhearted friends are willing to give me a little boost, and as the saying goes, you never know if you don't try.

I have several friends who will be attending the conference this year who are everywhere on the spectrum from traditionally published to hybrid to 100% self-published. They will be coming from various places in the U.S., Canada, and even England. As the shy introvert I mentioned I am, having a handful of familiar faces in the midst of the huge conference will be a welcome lifeline, which is part of why I decided I wanted to go to RWA this year especially.

Make it Your Own

If you're an author looking to crowdfund a product or experience, do whatever you can to make your campaign your own. Personalize it. Post video updates of you dancing, if that's your thing. Offer unique perks if you're able to do so on the platform you choose. Have fun with it and see where it takes you.

And now here's the inevitable part where I ask you to look at my campaign page and see if you are able to donate to my fundraiser. I know not everyone can. If we were all in a place to donate money to causes we wanted to support... well, then none of us would really need to be supported by anyone else, I suppose, right? But if you can share the fundraiser on Facebook or Twitter or anywhere else you think it will reach people, that signal boost can be just as beneficial and every bit as appreciated.

Even though Indiegogo Life doesn't use the perks method, I would still like to offer my backers a hand-written thank you, at the very least. I can also offer a digital copy of one of my books if you don't already have one. If you donate (or have already donated) to my fundraiser, please use the Contact button on the fundraiser page to drop me a line and give me a name and address for your thank you note.

Happy crowdfunding!

Have you run a successful crowdfunding campaign? What was your experience like?

Anniversary Time! A New Ebook Cover and New Price

One year ago today, my first novel went live on Amazon. It has been a year of learning, growth, and (I won't lie) some WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING???? moments. I think taking the plunge and self-publishing has magnified certain aspects of my personality that I can never be sure whether they're good or bad. Like my stubbornness about what I like and don't like, my perfectionist tendencies, my occasional (okay, so maybe it's chronic) indecisiveness, and my "If you want it done right, do it yourself" attitude. In my life in general, those things have definitely shaped my decisions and produced some wonderful (if occasionally stressful and slow-burning) results. But they're results I've been happy with. The same is true so far for my publishing journey.

I think there are likely things I could do differently that might result in more sales or faster results. But I'm unwilling (so far) to compromise on how and why I do things. I figure if I'm going to self-publish, where I have complete control, then I'm going to do it exactly how I want to do it, no exceptions. I'm happy with where it's taken me so far. To celebrate one year of publishing, I've given Sorry's Not Enough a face lift with a new ebook cover, which I created myself (see above re: perfectionism and DIY attitude) and I've also dropped the price from $3.99 all the way down to $0.99! The sale lasts through June 1, 2014 only, so get it while you can! It may never see this price point again. Links are below. (My free short story collection, Consenting Adults, also has a new cover courtesy of my friend and fellow author Cali MacKay.)

Thank you to everyone who has helped me along on my journey so far. I hope you'll follow along as I continue forward.... :-)

Amazon US    Amazon UK    Nook 

Kobo    iTunes    Smashwords

PARTAAAY with WHISKEY AND GUMDROPS

Today I am super excited to have my author friend Jean Oram on the blog in celebration of her new release! We'll chat about her books in a moment, but first a little shop talk.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

Give us a little background about Jean Oram, regular gal.

Regular gal Jean likes to ski and grew up in an old schoolhouse. She has two kids, a dog, two cats, and a husband she calls her best friend. She also finds it funny to write about herself in the third person... I love to travel and hang out online with other readers and writers. I can't lick my nose.

And how about Jean Oram, author?

They are pretty much one and the same. Only the author version of me is possibly a little less shy. (And she can't lick her nose, either.)

Plotter or pantster?

A bit of both. Recently I've been roughly plotting out who the character is, what she wants, and what stands in her way. Then I have 18 scenes that are the backbones of the story's arc and progression. From there I pants it and sometimes find myself in a pickle. But this new method seems to save time--and lead to less editing which I like! So, it is a combination, I suppose.

Name one or two of your favorite contemporary authors. Favorite classic authors?

I love Meg Cabot's Heather Wells series. I nearly peed my pants when Meg followed me on Twitter. Then I realized that she follows everyone back. My pants were relieved. In terms of classics, I like Jane Austen. She surprised me!

How are you liking the self publishing process? Favorite part of it? Least favorite?

Love it! My favourite part is being in control of things and being able to tweak things as I go (things like book categories, etc.) and doing it all on my own schedule. My least favourite is that you have to seek out your own expertise partners and because those partners are doing their own thing, it can be difficult to connect so you can pick their brains. And I really like picking brains. It's a hobby of mine! As well, there are no controls to stop me from trying to do too much! But it all works out in the end, I think. I wouldn't change it for the world.

I know you've been moving house at the same time you've been finalizing things for the release of Whiskey and Gumdrops. First of all, you're crazy. Second, how do you do it? Do you have any time management tips to help balance work/writing/home/family/social stuff?

Yes, I believe I am certifiable. Especially since my husband forgot to get Internet hooked up at our new house and I'm using sketchy cell phone service to get online. That's enough to make me insane, right there!

Basically, I have no social life. And I don't watch television other than the odd show here and there. (Like maybe 4 hours a month kind of thing.) That frees up some time. I also avoid cleaning the house as much as possible. But truly, I grew up on a farm which taught me how to work efficiently as well as to put my head down and shoulder into it when things get tough. That has helped a ton. I have also learned to work in chaos and with many interruptions.

I think procrastination is the real killer for a lot of us, though. We say one thing is a priority but our actions don't show that. If you want to publish a book, you have to take a step towards it every day.

If you could give any advice to aspiring novelists looking at the traditional publishing vs self publishing debate, what would you say?

How much time do you have? How much work are you willing to do? How much do you enjoy learning? If you don't mind working hard, learning lots, experimenting, and spending your time on publishing then self-publishing is great. I've met self-publishers who are surprised their books aren't selling, but it is almost always because they haven't learned the business, haven't put the work in to ensure success. In self-publishing you are every person and get to control your avenues quite heavily. If that thrills you, then self-publishing might be right for you. I feel like I should be one of those drug commercials right now: Self-publishing might cause, insanity, anxiety, hives, freak outs, melt downs, excessive worrying, and other symptoms. Talk to your doctor to see if self-publishing is right for you.

What advice would you give to an author who has decided to go the self publishing route?

Read David Gaughran's books. No, they are not free, but they are full of tips that will save you time and a money and increase your sales. They are well worth the money. Read Let's Get Digital. Then read Let's Get Visible. Listen to Joanna Penn's podcasts. Learning about marketing from the hilarious, straight-up shooter, Sean Halpern of Social Triggers. Explore. Have fun! The awesome thing about self-publishing is that there are so many routes to success. Find yours! (Okay, now I sound like a travel ad! Explore self-publishing and enjoy the wonders of independent success today! Call for your free brochure or book your adventure today.)

Reading Champagne and Lemon Drops and watching your publishing journey have been part of what's influenced me to write contemporary romance. I'm currently working on one that was inspired in a small way by someone I actually know. Do you ever put bits of people you know into your characters, or use real life scenarios you've experienced in your fiction?

I sure do. ;) Although some of those things were taken out because they didn't quite fit. But growing up in a small town, and writing about a small town… it's difficult for real life to not sneak in. For example, the things Nash got upset about in Champagne and Lemon Drops were real life things (except for Lauretta and the wheelchair) I'd plucked from my own small town experiences.

Any projects or other things you want us to know about?

You bet. I am launching Whiskey and Gumdrops this week which is about Mandy (Beth's nemesis--is she the woman Beth thought she was?) in Blueberry Springs who has to learn to accept help (and love!) in order to get what she really wants from life. It also contains a sneak peek of book 3 in the Blueberry Springs series, Rum and Raindrops. (Jen, the nature guide, maybe kind of accidentally burns down a forest and then falls in love with the fire investigator.)

And this weekend you can join me on Facebook as I (and Jen!) [that's me Jen, not the aforementioned Blueberry Springs Jen! ;-) ] give away lots of great books along with many other authors as we celebrate the release of Whiskey and Gumdrops. It's a virtual launch party and everyone is welcome to pop in over the weekend at: https://www.facebook.com/events/553969544676089/

LET'S GET BOOZY... I MEAN BOOKISH.

One woman. Two men. One meddling small town.

Raised by her older sister in the small town of Blueberry Springs, all Beth Wilkinson wants is to create a family so big she’ll never be alone. Things are going great until her accountant fiancé, Oz, experiences a family trauma, forcing him to rethink everything from his own career to their nuptial plans—leaving Beth alone.

As Beth works to rediscover her former bold and independent self in hopes of reattracting Oz, she catches the eye of the charming new city doctor, Nash. Not only does he see her as she’d like to be seen, but he knows exactly what he wants from life—and that includes Beth.

Torn between the two men, as well as two versions of herself, Beth discovers that love and dreams are much more complicated than they seem.

A chick lit contemporary romance that will appeal to fans of Jennifer Weiner, Jane Green, and Meg Cabot, and will have readers wondering who the heck Beth should choose.

Amazon    Kobo    B&N    ARe

iTunes    Smashwords    Sony

Tell us about Blueberry Springs. What inspired you to write a series set in a small town like this?

It started with Beth's story, Champagne and Lemon Drops. For her story it felt natural for her to be in a small town--the town could be a larger-than-life character meddling in her life and adding conflict and barriers as well as mess with her thinking. (Small towns tend to do that to people sometimes.) I had a few other stories and story ideas that could also be set in small towns and suddenly one story became a series and Blueberry Springs became bigger than I had planned (in a good way!).

As well, I grew up in a small town. (Actually on the outskirts of a hamlet of 100 people. Yes, I knew everyone.) I went to a school (different town) where my grad class was around 30 people. Everyone knew everyone and always had. Where I grew up, my parents were the 'new people' for decades as they had moved there from 'out East.' So creating Blueberry Springs was easy. I just looked to my own upbringing.

Can you tell us how many Blueberry Springs books you envision?

I have three planned for sure. Book 1: Champagne and Lemon Drops. Book 2: Whiskey and Gumdrops (released November 1st). And then book 3: Rum and Raindrops coming out Spring 2014. I have a couple other stories I'd like to set in a small town, but I'm not sure if they will be set in Blueberry Springs or if I will start a new small town series for them. What do your blog readers think? How many books are good in a series? [Tell us in the comments below!]

Personally, I love stories and characters that feel real, even in what is typically an escapist sort of genre like romance. Beth totally fit that bill in C&LD. She had realistic flaws and difficult decisions to make. I'm willing to bet Mandy will be another relatable heroine. What draws you to those kinds of characters?

Thank you. :) Good question. As a reader, I like a character who feels real because they become easier to relate to. I love a story where I get so wrapped up in it (like I did in The Poisonwood Bible) that I forget the characters are fictional.

WARNING! SPOILERS BELOW! There was a certain part of Champagne and Lemon Drops I really enjoyed and I've been dying to ask Jean about it. Finally got my chance! Just be forewarned, if you haven't already read the book, clicking below WILL spoil the ending for you. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE SPOILERS FOR BOOK 1, SCROLL UNTIL YOU SEE THE NEXT BOOK COVER!

In C&LD, Beth talks about wanting kids a lot, but at the end she realizes that all of Blueberry Springs is her family and that kids aren't an absolute necessity for her future with Oz. I was totally rooting for that outcome, but didn't actually expect you to give it to me! Marriage and baby seem to be the obligatory ending for a lot of romance books. Beth's thought process was a breath of fresh air. How did that decision come about? Did you plot it that way from the beginning, or did you pants your way into it?

This is a long story. Hold onto your pants. When I first wrote Champagne and Lemon Drops (it's a free ebook, by the way), it was my first attempt at plotting a book out before writing it. It was much more women's fiction than romance. And part way through, Beth's friend, Katie, nudged her way into having her own point of view. But that didn't work so I had to pull it out. I rewrote this story several times. The last rewrite was intensive. It had been over 110,000 words and I cut it down to 50,000. Then I rewrote it back up to 80,000. That nearly killed me. Usually I drop a book and carry on to the next one when things get that problematic. However, I found I didn't learn from those mistakes. So, while that extensive rewrite was incredibly difficult, my writing skills took a jump and matured. It was worth it.

So, in the end, this book was both plotted and pantsed. However, yes, Beth's thought process around the kids was intentional.

Beth realizes her love for Oz is greater than her desire for a big family, but that doesn't meant it couldn't still happen. Inquiring minds want to know.... do they eventually go on to have kids? Do we have to tune in to a future book to find out? Or have you not thought about it yourself?

Some readers were a bit ticked off that I didn't put a massive red velvet bow on Beth's ending. I think there is a nicer bow on Mandy and Frankie's ending in book 2, Whiskey and Gumdrops. But to answer your question, yes, you do get to find out what happens to Beth and Oz in book 2.

Spoiler alert: Book 2 ruins the ending of book 1 (Champagne and Lemon Drops).)

TIME TO PARTAAAY!

Mandy Mattson has always believed that what you want isn't what you need. But never in her life has she been more wrong.

As a small town waitress, Mandy has never felt as though she deserves the love of her best friend Frankie. But when she sees an ex-lover marry her rival she realizes her life is adding up to a big fat nothing and realizes she needs to make a change. With every path in her new life leading back to Frankie, will she finally be able to reconcile that the one thing she's always wanted is the very thing she needs?

This best friend romance is a companion novel to Champagne and Lemon Drops: A Blueberry Springs Chick lit Contemporary Romance.

 Amazon    Smashwords

As Jean mentioned above, we're celebrating all weekend on Facebook with lots of fun and giveaways! On Saturday I'll be stopping by the virtual party to give away the first ever PRINT copy of my novel, Sorry's Not Enough. I hope we'll see you there!

Thanks for your time, Jean, and good luck with your new release! I'm anxious to get it onto my Kindle and start reading.

If you can't make it to the party on Facebook this weekend, keep up with Jean and her books on her website, Facebook, or Twitter.

#Scintilla13: Nel cor più non mi sento

Playing a bit of catch up. Here's day three. Reminder: unless I state otherwise, I'm answering Scintilla prompts with original fiction. Written on the fly, unedited. So be gentle. :-)

B: Talk about a time when you were driving and you sang in the car, all alone. Why do you remember this song and that stretch of road?

Nel cor più non mi sento

Jeremy laughed two days ago when he got into my car and found my usual blaring punk rock had been replaced by Italian arias on piano. I was trying to decide on a solo for my voice class final exam. He didn't laugh when I refused to let him change the CD.

When it's your turn to drive, we'll listen to what you want. He begged to drive after half an hour.

I smile at the memory, turn up the volume on Lasciatemi morire!, and hum along. Jeremy has been my best friend for seven years, since eighth grade. He's heard me belt out some power ballads before, during some of our sillier hang-outs, but he'd never really heard me sing. Until this weekend.

These songs are... weird. Like there's something missing.

That's because there is. This is just the accompaniment track. The melody is missing.

Well shit. If you're gonna make me listen to this for much longer, you'd better start singing.

So I did. First it was Alma del core, but I sang it in an exaggerated, bouncy way. Jeremy grinned at my overdone vibrato and occasional hand gesture to punctuate the music, when I wasn't using both hands to maneuver through highway traffic.

Is that how you would really sing it?

No, of course not. My professor would kill me. And then fail me.

Sing the right way. I know shit about opera, but I think I know when someone sings well.

I sang through six or seven songs in a row, concentrating on controlling my breathing and maintaining good pitch, even through the jostling as we hit potholes and bridge joints. Jeremy didn't say a word until I pulled into a rest stop and switched off the music.

That's great, Kat. Why didn't I know you could sing like that? He smiled halfway, not enough for his dimples to show.

Suddenly it felt like I'd been keeping a deep dark secret. I shrugged.  

Most people don't.

It wasn't like I'd lied or intentionally hid it. It just wasn't something that seemed to come up in conversation a lot. Especially not with Jeremy. With Jeremy, I shared football and relationship trouble and surreptitious swigs of rum from his mom's liquor cabinet when we were eighteen. We shared hugs and sometimes tears, conversations about life and whether there's a god, words of encouragement and stupid inside jokes. There was never a time when I felt the need to say Hey, I like singing opera and classical stuff.

Jeremy drove the second half of the trip, and we listened to the different bands we both shared a passion for, especially the one we were driving to see. The concert was as amazing as I knew it would be, and we had a great time. It was nice to hang out in the middle of the school year, something we didn't usually get to do since we went to college in different states. Still, there was something weird. Maybe it was my imagination, but I kept catching him with this... look. I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was.

It couldn't be the singing thing, I told myself. Why would he be mad about that? That was just stupid. But he was pretty quiet. And Jeremy was never quiet.

We checked into a hotel after the concert to get a good night's sleep before driving back the next day. We said good night, climbed into our separate beds, and turned out the light. After an hour, I could tell by the sound of his breathing that he was still awake.

Did you have fun today? I asked.

Yeah.

Okay. You've been quiet.

So have you.

Only because you were, I said. What the fuck was this? Jeremy didn't do quiet, and Jeremy didn't do vague. Not in all the time we'd known each other.

Silence for several more minutes. So I said the most ridiculous thing any woman could say to a guy: What are you thinking right now?

Just remembering you singing in the car.

Shut up. I burst into uncomfortable laughter. You are not.

The light flicked on and Jeremy sat up in bed. I was, too.

Were not.

Was too. You were pretty fucking fantastic. He chucked a pillow at my head.

Whatever. I threw it back.

He pounced. In an instant, he was on my bed, straddling my hips, forehead pressed against mine. He smelled like toothpaste and... like Jeremy. The same cologne he'd worn since junior year in high school. One I helped pick out, now that I thought of it.

When will you ever learn to take a compliment? He closed his eyes and relaxed against me. Just as his lips brushed mine, he whispered, Scoot over.

I made room and he slipped under the covers like it was the most natural thing in the world to do. My stomach knotted itself into a quivering lump.

Turn over. He slid his hand over my hip as I did so, and pulled me tight against his body. Go to sleep.

I didn't know how I was supposed to go to sleep like that, with his legs tucked behind mine, his chest against my back, his breath tickling my shoulder. Jeremy was my best friend, so of course I loved him. But did I...

His breathing deepened in a matter of minutes as he quickly fell asleep. Something inside me ached. I grabbed Jeremy's hand and held it to my chest so his arm was wrapped tight around me, and that something inside me ached more profoundly.

I turn the volume up a little more as I drive, trying to drown that same feeling growing in me now as I remember last night. The closeness. The feeling of being surrounded by my best friend, and how it was so right, and how could I not have seen that before? We woke this morning, showered, and checked out of the hotel like nothing was different. We hadn't done anything, but it felt different to me.

The dainty intro of Nel cor più non mi sento trickles through the speakers. Perfect. A song about the torment of love.

I'm still not sure that's what I'm feeling. I dropped Jeremy off in front of his dorm twenty minutes ago. He hugged me and held on longer than usual. That something continued to ache, even after he grabbed his bag from the trunk and disappeared inside. Could he really be feeling what I'm feeling right now? Could that be why he was acting so weird?

The song ends and I hit the back button to replay it. It's so perfect, this song. I sing along this time, smiling through the lines cagion del mio tormento, amor, sei colpa tu. Translates roughly to something about love being the cause of all my torment.

Amore è un certo che, I sustain the note and add an embellishment before continuing with the last line. Che disperar mi fa. Thou, Love, are surely one that will drive me to despair. But the music is light and airy. Fun, even. I imagine a woman scolding her love for tormenting her, driving her to despair, but with a wink and a knowing look, because she knows that love aches so badly only because it fills your heart near to bursting.

I cut off the driver next to me to make it onto the nearest exit. I have to go back. Not knowing if Jeremy shared my unexpected epiphany yesterday is going to drive me to despair. On a related note, I think I found the song to sing for voice class.

I pull off into a McDonald's parking lot to figure out how to get back on the highway in the opposite direction. Before the map loads, my phone alerts me to a missed call and a voice mail. Jeremy. I must have been in a dead zone when he called. I dial into the voice mail system and listen.

Hey. I'm sorry I'm such a fucking coward. This isn't how I wanted to say this to you, but I guess it's all I have right now.

There's a pause and I place a hand on my chest, where my heart is pounding like mad. Who would've thought falling in love would physically hurt this way? In message, Jeremy clears his throat before continuing.

I'm not even sure when it happened, okay. It just sort of... I just... Fuck. (nervous laughter) I need you, Kat. You keep getting better and more amazing, and I feel like I won't keep getting better if you aren't there with me.

A strange noise startles me, but then I realize the noise is me. I'm crying. Hard. Does he know how much I need him, too? Anyone can give me a compliment, tell me I'm getting better at anything, however small, but it only makes me self-consciously proud when it comes from him. I stifle a sob just in time to hear his last words before hanging up.

I love you, Kat. I love you.