I Didn't Know to Dream This

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending Gather at the River, a two-day choral conference put together by the New Hampshire and Vermont chapters of the ACDA. It was held at Dartmouth College, in the lovely little town of Hanover, NH. You can visit the link above to see the rundown of the things we did during those two days, but it was basically workshops, learning, and singing with dozens of choral directors and choir members from VT, NH, and MA. Friday night there was a more formal concert where three groups (including the Concord Chorale, my current musical family) performed for the public. On Saturday evening, we held an informal concert where we performed for each other to showcase the pieces we had learned over two days in three small chamber groups, as well as the whole group performance of the Duruflé Requiem under our guest conductor, Dr. Joe Miller of Westminster Choir College. It was an overall wonderful, enlightening experience.

During his keynote speech at the start of the conference, Dr. Miller talked about how his love of music and choral singing developed in a non-musical football family. Now that he's teaching at the Westminster Choir College, he said someone once asked if it was his dream job, and his response was, "I didn't know to dream this."

I didn't know to dream this.

Those words stuck with me. I find myself feeling similarly about certain things in my own life at times. I'm the type of person who likes to daydream about the best outcomes while acknowledging the possibility for the worst and knowing the reality will fall somewhere along that infinite spectrum. I generally try not to have too many big expectations about things. I go with the flow. And the result has been that sometimes the best outcomes are things I hadn't even imagined on the spectrum of possibility.

In high school. I attended a young writer's workshop for a few weeks one summer. The feeling of being among other young writers who loved this thing that I also loved, and who enjoyed learning and practicing and sharing our craft together the way we did there, had been something that, before I experienced it, I wouldn't have imagined possible. The same thing happened with this choral conference. I had never been to anything like it, and it exceeded what I could have hoped for. I had that same feeling of being a big old nerd finding the mother ship of other music nerds who just really love music and singing and learning about both of those. In a few short weeks I'll be attending the Romance Writers of America annual conference, and while I'm trying to do the whole "no expectations" thing, it won't surprise me to be overcome by the same sense of nerdy joy when I find myself surrounded by hundreds of other writers who want to geek out over writing and the same things that I love.

Going back to the idea of a dream job or profession, where I am right now in life is also a place I wouldn't have thought to dream. Nailing down what I "want to be" into a clear path and career goal was always something that filled me with dread and uncertainty. I just didn't know. I still don't know. I knew that I loved a lot of different things in different ways. I was lucky to find a college major at a school where I could combine a lot of different passions into one thing. But, as you can probably guess, that didn't translate to a clear, successful career path once I graduated. (Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my major or my degree one little bit. I loved every minute of my experience. It made me happy.) After fumbling around in retail for eight years trying to find the right company, the right position, the right place where I fit and could use my skills and love of fashion and do something I enjoyed without coming to hate it after a a year or two, I quit. I gave it up and turned toward some of the other interests I had. It was clear that this one passion wasn't enough to fulfill me.

If you had asked me at any point in my life, even right up until the start of this year, if I thought I could be happy doing three different jobs at once, I probably would've told you that that sounded miserable. And on the surface, plenty of people might agree that working three jobs is just nuts. But it's where I am, and I love it.

Earlier this year I started working as a speech and language annotator. It can feel a bit tedious at times because it's a lot of staring at the computer screen and clicking the mouse, but there's something about it that satisfies my love of language and the analytical part of my brain. I never even knew such a position existed until I was approached by a recruiter who found me based on my freelance transcription business.

I'm an author. I write and publish novels and short stories featuring the drama, humor, sexiness, heartbreak, and joy of relationships. I've also written some erotic scripts for a startup company bringing innovation to erotica.

My third job is my newest, and it's as a freelance copyeditor at Mistress Editing. After writing the romance and the sex and all that awesome stuff in my own stories and having friends ask me for help with theirs over the years, this seemed like the logical next step.

These three things together are how I'm currently making my living, and having a blast doing it. I now have the time to commit to rehearsals and performances with a community choir, which I wasn't able to do when I was working retail. I still love fashion, but my retail career made me miserable. Maybe sometime soon I'll be able to make the time and the space to do some fashion design sketches or start sewing at home again, for the love of it. Fashion, music, and writing. My three biggest passions. I never thought they could all coexist in my life and that I could also have a satisfying job(s) that paid actual money.

I guess my overall point is this: Dream your dreams, but keep your eyes open. Don't let expectations or even dreams blind you to potential opportunities that may just having you saying I didn't know to dream this.

Pushing Boundaries

Quite a while ago I wrote a post about how I wished the "trashy" erotica out there would go away, because it gave erotica in general a bad name. I hated the idea of people who might very well enjoy reading erotica being turned off or scared away from giving it a try because all they knew of were "those" stories. And by "those" stories, at the time I referenced mainly things like pseudo-incest stories, because that was what had set me off on my rant of sorts at the time. It wasn't exclusively the subject matter, but also the fact that they're (the ones I wish would go away, at least) poorly written, unimaginative, and repetitive. I didn't express that very elegantly then, and was rightly taken to task for my views by some. That's fine. I'm someone who has always said that when my experiences and knowledge shift, I'm more than happy changing my opinions on a topic if warranted. And so I wanted to revisit this topic a bit. My thoughts have changed somewhat, and I want to explain those, as well as try to better explain the aspects that haven't changed.

First, there's the question of what constitutes erotica versus porn. I know plenty of writers who happily say "I write porn!" Or smut. I occasionally use that term. Is it the same as porn? I have no idea. Is this a hopeless game of labels and self-identifying labels versus industry labels? Perhaps. But for lack of better terminology or ideas on my part, I tend to see a difference between erotica and porn. If you think of movies, it seems much clearer that there's a line between a film that's erotic and one that's porn. Most of us (I think) watch porn for the sex. That's what we want, and porn fulfills that want. We watch other movies to be entertained in other ways, even if there is sex and arousal as part of the film. There's writing that falls along these same lines.

There are sexually explicit stories meant to arouse and titillate that also have emotionally satisfying plot arcs and interesting characters that keep us turning pages at least as much as our desire to read the next hot sex scene. That, to me, is erotica. There are also sexually explicit stories meant to arouse and titillate that are pretty much the written equivalent of a porn compilation: sex scene after sex scene geared around a particular sexual predilection (whether it's just plain vanilla sex or extreme fetishes) with very little holding them together. If some attempt at a plot exists, it's probably extraneous or silly or both, and it probably has little to no impact on one's enjoyment of the sexual situations. It might be there in the barest sense, and only to state the existence of the particular fetish or kink (like to set up the fact that it's teacher and a student, for example) and after that it really doesn't even matter if the characters have names. To me, that's porn.

Let me be as absolutely clear as I can be right now: I'm not trashing porn. I have nothing against porn at all. Porn is great. Got it? Good.

Going back to porn in movie format, we all know where to get porn, right? It's not in the same place where you go to watch romantic comedies or the like. But when you go online to find erotica, and what you want is that entertaining, emotionally satisfying story that is about or contains some hot, explicit sex, you'll also be flooded with all of those stories I mentioned that I would file under the category of porn. And it's frustrating! It really is. Both as a reader, having to sift through everything going nope, that's not what I want, nope, nope, nope, sometimes reading enough samples that I might as well have read half a book already, and also as an author writing erotica and trying to reach readers who (hopefully) want what I've written and are trying to wade through everything else to get to it.

And you know what? I don't have an answer or a solution. I don't necessarily want written porn to be relegated behind a shameful black curtain to keep all of the literature (say that in your best posh accent) pure and untainted. And categories only work so well, especially when we innovative and quick to react self-published authors will try out even only marginally related categories if we think they'll get us more visibility. (*cough* I'm looking at you, non-New Adult stories filling up Amazon's NA lists. *cough*) But that's a different post altogether. Maybe I'm just being overdramatic and throwing an adult hissy fit. You're certainly allowed to think so. But it doesn't change the fact that it frustrates me that it can be so much dang work just to find good erotica when I want it.

I fear my point about the quality of writing is becoming an afterthought yet again, and I don't mean for it to be. I just get so long-winded about other stuff and then I figure the one person left reading this wants me to get on with it already... but I'll touch on it again. I have no patience for poorly written erotica or porn. Unimaginative language, repetitive scenes, far-fetched plot points that don't allow me to suspend disbelief even for a moment, recycled tropes, blah, blah, blah-freaking-blah. There's plenty of poorly-written erotica. But I dare say that... well, 95% of the written porn I stumble across and toss aside as I'm searching for erotica is quite poorly written. And that's really the worst part. I don't want to police anyone's fantasies or sexual turn-ons, and I've definitely broadened my thinking on this since the last time I wrote about it, so I'm not going to tell anyone to stop writing on these topics. But please, for the love of smut, do it better! I can only read mind-numbingly boring sentences like "He shoved his cock into her pussy" so many times before I want to beat you with a dictionary. (But who knows, maybe you'd like that.) I mean, really? Thank you for describing the gist of all heterosexual sex everywhere in one sentence... again, and again... and yet again... because I didn't understand the mechanics of it the first time. Not any sexier the fifth time than it was the first time.

Of course, what do plenty of writers do when they're frustrated with the quality of writing available? Lots of them throw up their hands, say "I can write better than this!" and then go do it. I realized that bringing the sexy forbidden down to a level that's more palatable for more people (while still maintaining some of that naughty edge) is something I've always been fascinated by. Even in a non-sexy, or non-forbidden context, I've often loved taking an idea someone might not agree with and reshaping it and asking "Well what about now? What about now? How about this way?" until I can get them to agree with me, even a little bit. It's like Hah! I have bent you to my will! Mwa-ha-ha... Okay, maybe it's not exactly like that. But it feels like it sometimes.

Getting back to the smexy stuff, there's a hint of that very thing in Steven and Charlotte's relationship in Sorry's Not Enough. It didn't really click for me until someone called it "acceptably taboo." So I started thinking about some of the slightly taboo things that make me roll my eyes at best, and make me want to retch at worst, when they're poorly executed and poorly written, but that have the potential for much more. Once I removed the aspect of how much I hated how other people had written similar themes and focused on what the appealing aspects of those themes were, the ideas flooded in. I am (notoriously) a slow writer, so I'm still working on the first one, but I have plans for a series. If you'd told me even a year ago I'd be excited to write a series about slightly forbidden relationships, I would've rolled my eyes at you. But like I said, I'm not afraid to change my way of thinking when life and learning have shown me that I'm wrong. My writing life is certainly no exception.

So look for The Taboo Series to start sometime next year....

Consent is Sexy--Dialogue, Not So Much

Every year on my Facebook page, I post an erotic short story. Just for fun. This year it took me a little longer than I would've liked to get the story written and posted. As in, I only managed to finish writing and do a quick copy/paste so that it was up at 11:59pm on New Year's Eve.

I always forget how much longer it tends to take me to write erotic scenes than I think it should. But this year there was also something else dragging it out, and I think it was the dialogue in the story. I've written previously about how much I obsess over dialogue. I pare it down as much as possible and can't stand to have more than a couple lines of it without some sort of supporting action.

This year's story was heavier on the dialogue than I like to be, generally. But I couldn't help it. The nature of the story demanded it. The story, appropriate titled Consenting Adults, focuses on explicit consent in sexual encounters. The idea struck me, but I didn't want to make it overtly political or preachy. In order to show consent as sexy, it required a lot of dialogue.

A lot of repetitious dialogue.

Lots of yes and can I and would it be okay if...

I think it took me so long to get the story written because I was just trying to avoid writing all the dialogue!

Anyway, I finally finished it an hour ago and hastily posted it to my FB page. Didn't even spell check it. Eep! I know some writers are appalled at the idea of letting anyone read the rough or first draft of anything. Obviously, I'm not one of those writers. If you'd like to read the story, you can find it here. I would love to hear from you about whether you think I made consent sexy, or anything else you'd like to comment on. I wouldn't mind a little 'like' on my page while you're there, too.

Do you ever have a "message" in your writing that you try not to make too preachy? Any tips?

And at what point do you feel okay letting people read your writing? If not the first draft, which one?

Short Stories and the Novelist: A Marketing Tool

Most of us probably started off writing short stories, either on our own or as class assignments as kids. Some may still write short stories for our own enjoyment, or maybe to sell to magazines or for contests. But short stories are sort of the red-headed stepchild to the novelist, aren't they? Agents don't generally rep short story collections. They aren't the most lucrative market. (If you are looking for places to publish short stories, Duotrope is a great place to search.) I'm here to tell you that short stories may be more beneficial to you as a novelist than you think.

By now we all know that the digital side of publishing is a huge part of the market and that it's easier now than ever to put together your own eBook. Self-publishing is well within reach for all of us. (Agented authors with book deals may need to check with their publishers and read the fine print of their contracts before self-publishing anything, to avoid any fiasco like this one.) Any of us can self-publish a few singles, or a collection of short stories. This makes the short story a relatively quick and easy tool in your arsenal. Here are a few ways to use short stories to your advantage.

Pre-Launch

Are you an indie or self-publisher about to release your first novel? You've written a great book, have a nice cover, have carefully crafted your short blurb and product description, have been working on your social media presence and building a following, and have decided on a price you feel is both competitive and fair to you as the writer. But you might still be worried about how to better entice readers to buy your book–the one by an author they've never heard of—instead of, or in addition to, the latest release by one of their favorite, well-known authors. Readers can certainly "look inside" on Amazon and sample some of your writing that way. Or you could offer a little something else.

My FTWA buddy Pete Morin took this approach before the release of his novel, Diary of a Small Fish. The month before he published Fish he released a free short story on Smashwords. A free short story or collection of shorts gives potential readers a way to read something of yours, from start to finish, and get a feel for whether they'd like to read more. Hopefully the answer is yes! And once they know you can satisfy their imaginations through an entire story arc, they won't be as hesitant to spend money on your novel. You're no longer an unknown to them. Some authors will offer the first book of a series for free, then charge for the rest, banking on this same theory that the free book will lead to more sales for the others. If you aren't writing a series, consider writing a short story or two to offer for free prior to your book's release.

Between Books in a Series

YA author Elana Johnson's debut novel, Possession, was published in June of 2011. The sequel, Surrender, was released last month. During the year between the two books, Elana released two shorter stories related to the series. The first was an exclusive short story, available as a free download through her website, and the second was what she calls a "bridge story," which is an eBook exclusive. Both of these were her own ideas that she executed with her publisher's support. She explained to me via Twitter

The first one (Insider Information) was my idea. We needed their permission to use butterflies and ice on the cover. They liked what I was doing, and so we (me and agent) pitched the idea of a "bridge story" to them. They ran with that, and produced the second story (REGRET). So one is free (my self-pubbed one) and one is $1.99.It's hard to tell for sure, but she believes "it seems to have worked a bit" in terms of keeping readers interested in the series and keeping up the excitement prior to the release of the second book. 

Elana shows that using short stories to renew and sustain interest in a series isn't for self-publishers alone. You can make it work with traditional publishing as well.

Bonus Material

Do you ever watch the deleted scenes or alternate endings from movies when you get the DVD? I do, when it's a movie I really enjoyed. Have you ever read a book and wanted to read more about the character's lives after the book was finished? Maybe you wanted to know more about some of their back story, stuff that wasn't really related to the novel itself. Or maybe you wondered how it would've turned out if a character had made this choice instead of that one.

You've wondered about it with books you've read. So why don't you write it for your own books?

If you've gotten good feedback that readers love your characters and your story, it's not too far-fetched to think they might enjoy some bonus material. Maybe you had to delete some scenes you liked but that didn't suit the novel for whatever reason. Or perhaps you've been dying to write an alternate ending. Or a short story about one of your characters as a child. There are a lot of possibilities there. If you're self-publishing, there's really no limit to what you can do. If you have a contract with a publisher, you'll need to work out what you can and can't do on your own, and what they would or wouldn't be willing to work with you on.

You may be a novelist, but don't discount the value short stories could add to your career. They can help you entice readers if you're relatively unknown, sustain the enthusiasm for your writing and characters between releases, and help you continue to satisfy readers even after they reach THE END.

Have you used short stories to complement your novels in these, or other, ways? Do you have any tips for others looking to use this technique?

This post originally appeared on From the Write Angle, under the title Your Writing Repertoire: the Long and Short of It.

A Writer's Life in Thailand

I'm very excited to have a guest post today from Dannie Hill, who claimed this spot when he donated to the Indies Unite for Joshua Indiegogo campaign. Welcome, Dannie!

A Writer’s Life in Thailand

I’m excited about doing a guest post at JELLO WORLD with J. Lea Lopez! Thank you, kind lady.

I’m an American writer and I’ve been living in Thailand for the past 9 years with my beautiful wife. We have a small farm where we grow tropical and not so tropical fruits, veggies, and main crop of either corn or tapioca. I have also published 3 novels and have a new one coming out very soon.

Many people ask me, “Why Thailand?” The answer is: I needed to get away from all the hustle, bustled, electronics and decision making. My brain needed a break. Also my wife was born in Thailand and I had kept her away for many years raising a family and caring for a wonderful husband… me. I have wanted to take her home for a while, but the honest truth is I did it more for me than her. One of the things I’ve learn here in Thailand is honest thoughts.

Many foreigners who come here and to other exotic lands seek out communities of foreigners to live near. Me? I came determined to learn the language (or die trying) and just get away from it all for a while. I live in a rural area where I’m it when it comes to foreigners. That while has lasted nine years so far. I can speak Thai now. I don’t claim that I can stand up and deliver a speech about the meaning of life but I do well enough to get along with everyone.

I’ve always led a simple life—starving artists tend to do that—so the culture shock wasn’t a major player. The hardest thing that I still haven’t learned to do is stop waving or speaking to nearly everyone I pass. I’m a Southerner and I tend to talk rather than think in many situations. My wife got in the habit of walking behind me—way behind me—so she wouldn’t blush all the time. Over time my neighbors have learned the American ‘wave’ and laugh at my antics. My wife even walks beside me now. Yeah.

Thailand is known as The Land of Smiles and it is a befitting name. These wonderful people take life as it comes to them and always seem happy. I think it’s the heat. I love to go to the morning markets and watch the beautiful women gliding along buying fresh vegetables and everything necessary for the day. I walk around talking to the Mea Ka, the sellers, and Lukka, the buyers, and just enjoy myself.

Dannie and Sam the cat

I often ride my motorcycle out into the country just to see where the road leads. I usually end up in a small village where white guys are a rare treat. I always find a gathering place where the older men and women socialize and introduce myself. It takes a few minutes for them to realize I am speaking Thai and then the fun begins. The others of the village come to see the foreigner speaking Thai. The children are always shy at first, but after a while they try their best to wring out the secrets of my being with squeals and laughter. I have to admit it's a big ego boost for me. In the States I’d be just another old man, but here in Thailand I’m special. I do love it here, living with the most wonderful people I’ve ever met.

As a writer, the quieted sounds of English allow my daydreams to come to life in words. There is such a peace here my muse is happy and words rush out faster than I can write them down. Just ask my editor! I can write back in the States but it’s an effort to find the peace I need. In Thailand it’s just a morning away.

I was in a war two countries away, lived in Budapest for a short time, lived in the Marshall Islands for two years and visited a number of countries, and I must say Thailand is my favorite for the people, the beauty of the land and the food. It’s a place I know you would enjoy.

To learn more about Dannie, check out his blog here, or learn more about his books here.

The Difficult Decision NOT To Publish

I've been talking about, and working toward, self-publishing my first novel, Sorry's Not Enough, this fall. I've done a lot of research, learned a whole lot of things, tried my hand at creating an ebook cover, put my novel through several beta readers, and agonized over every word. My plan was to put together a few short stories as a collection to release for free a few weeks before publishing the novel, as a sort of teaser for people new to my writing. While doing all this, I was going to continue working on my WIP, Confessions of a Non-Believer, a commercial women's fiction story with a bit of religious debate. And THEN, when that was done, I would start writing my erotica series during the time it took to seek representation for Confessions, while hopefully making decent self-pub sales with Sorry's Not Enough. That was the plan, and I've put in a lot of work, so this post may come as a surprise.

I will not be self-publishing Sorry's Not Enough.

And no, it's not because I got an agent or anything like that. I will also not continue working on Confessions right now. I may tinker with it here and there, but it won't be my priority. This is a hard thing to say, because on some level I feel like I'm abandoning the love of my life. I love both of these stories, and it does hurt a little bit to say "Sorry, but I have to set you aside."

Anatomy of a decision

I'm not dropping out of the writing game. What I am doing is carefully selecting my career path. It has been in the back of my mind for a while that I have two separate audiences for my work. The dream would be that my fans would be my fans no matter my genre, but realistically I know that the audience for my women's fiction and the audience for my erotica are two separate market segments. There will be some overlap in the customer base, but sustaining a career in one or both genres means different marketing plans and, most importantly, a steady supply of new material for fans of EACH genre. My FTWA colleague Sophie Perinot wrote about author branding and genre in a post last August that really spoke to me. I think I've been mulling this over on a subconscious level ever since.

The bottom line in Sophie's post, and the reality of publishing, is that you will most likely mold your writing career around the genre you debut in. At least for a while. I'm sure you've all heard the saying by now that the best marketing for one book is to write (and publish) your next book. A solid career track depends on a writer being able to deliver a steady supply of writing that the readers are eager to gobble up. So it doesn't make sense to debut in one genre, then switch to another. Like I said, you might get some readers who follow you from one genre to another, but you'll essentially have to re-market and re-brand yourself to a new readership in the new genre. Career-wise, it just isn't a smart move. At least not for me.

Which is why my commercial women's fiction projects have to take a back seat while I focus on erotica.

I've had this idea for my erotica series for a couple years now, but I've always been waiting to finish (and hopefully land an agent/publishing deal) with the women's fiction first. Probably because that was the order in which the ideas came to me. If I am truly honest with myself, though, trying to break into the publishing world with my women's fiction is a BAD idea. Why? Because SNE and Confessions are the only two women's fiction manuscripts I have, and I don't currently have any ideas for more. Nor has any viable idea come to me in the past two years. All of the other awesome ideas I have are for erotic stories, starting with this series. The series idea was just a nebulous collection of scenarios in my head at first, nothing too concrete, so I kept working on Confessions. But now the idea is more fully formed and screaming to be written.

There's also another reason I'm shifting my focus to erotica: timing. I have a sense that right now - like, YESTERDAY! - is a prime time to launch my career as an erotic novelist. No matter how much I, or anyone, may dislike Fifty Shades of Grey for whatever reason, it has thrust erotica into the mainstream limelight. Do I think there's better erotica out there? Of course. I hope that mine can be counted in the better quality category. We'll have to wait and see on that. But there's a buzz around the genre right now, and it seems like there's no better time to step onto the stage and try to make a name for myself. The fact that this is happening now, and that my series concept has finally gelled into something I'm finally prepared to write, now, is immense stroke of luck. I mean honestly... the timing! I feel if I put it off any longer, I'll miss out on a great opportunity.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not hopping on a bandwagon. I've been interested in erotica for a long time now, and I've written short stories, and the idea for the novel came to me a couple years ago. Erotica has also been a very healthy genre, sales-wise, way before the 50 Shades explosion, especially in the indie and self-publishing realm. But now is just the right time for me. How can I say no?

But can't you just use a pen name for one genre and do both at the same time? Or even if you don't use a pen name, can't you STILL self-publish like you were planning to and also write erotica?

As I already mentioned, it just doesn't make career sense for me. Even if I use a pen name to keep the marketing/genre stuff separate, I'll still only have two viable women's fiction manuscripts. Why self-publish one, seek representation for another (or self-pub both), and then have nothing else in the pipeline? I feel I'd be doing a disservice not only to my readers, but to myself and those two stories. If I (fingers crossed!) build a readership and fan base with my erotica and it doesn't look like I'll have any more women's fiction stuff to offer down the line, maybe then I'd consider self-publishing SNE and Confessions as a little something extra to offer my readers. I think I'd have better luck getting fans of my erotica to read my non-erotic titles than vice versa. Not sure why. Just a hunch I have.

Even disregarding all of the above, I still couldn't do both. I. Just. Can't. Recently I did an interview for Matt Sinclair at The Elephant's Bookshelf (publisher of the Spring Fevers anthology) and he asked whether I tend to work on multiple projects, or one at a time. In hindsight I realized just how much my answer foreshadowed this very decision:

I attempt multiple projects, but usually I end up not making much progress on any. For several weeks now, I've been stuck in the "thinking and scheming" frame of mind for about three different projects. I have to buckle down soon and start focusing on one first, then another, so I can actually get something accomplished.

I simply don't have it in me to write this erotica novel in a timely manner while also trying to focus on self-publishing my first novel and all that comes with that - marketing, blog tours, monitoring sales, etc. And forget about trying to write the erotica, self-publish SNE, AND keep working on Confessions.  I get anxious just thinking about it.

I'm indecisive. It's one of my flaws. I'm paralyzed by choice. Having to consider and manage all aspects of writing two projects and publishing a third is just too much. In discussing this decision with a friend yesterday, I told him I have this thing where I have a hard time problem-solving by just taking things one step at a time. I see things in a very interconnected way, and when I consider even one option, I can't help but also see the myriad possibilities branching out from it, like a choose-your-own adventure on crack. While this ability is actually an immense bonus to me working in retail environments, it is crippling in my writing life. If I let it get the best of me, I'll end up doing what I've been doing for the past three months: wasting time on Facebook and Twitter or staring at mindless drivel on TV because the magnitude of so many choices, so many potential actions, results, and consequences is overwhelming.

This has been a gut-wrenchingly difficult decision. Partially because I've been saying I'm going to self-publish this book for a good while now, and seemingly at the last minute I'm pulling the plug. I don't like saying I'm going to do something and then not doing it, no matter the reason. Makes me feel like a flake. (Thank you to all my Twitter friends and the #goatposse for assuring me I am not a flake.) I'm not sure what else has made it so difficult for me... probably a little soul-searching and psychological analysis to be done there, but I won't bore you with that. :-)

I hope that by sharing my decision with you, maybe someone else who feels like they're floundering without direction or struggling with a decision that's been eating at them for a while will find the courage to really examine themselves and their goals. Writing is art, and I want to write the stories that I want to write. But I also want this to be a career, which means making tough calls about what I should be writing at any given moment. And sometimes it means going with your gut, even when you aren't sure, like me.

What's the hardest writing career decision you've had to make? How did you know you were making the right choice?

#Scintilla Day 2: Letter to my Rescuer

My selected Scintilla prompt for today:

2. No one does it alone. Write a letter to your rescuer or mentor (be it a person, book, film, record, anything). Share the way they lit up your path.

Dear Blank White Page,

A lot of people have come in and out of my life. They've taught me things. Supported me. Encouraged me. Some hurt me, intentionally or not. A few loved me. I suspect many have barely noticed me. Forgotten me.

I don't mind.

It isn't that I don't appreciate what people have given and taught me. There are so many who've been instrumental in shaping me over the years. And it isn't that I don't feel the sting of rejection, pain, sorrow, or anger that other people have brought to my life.

But it has always been the page that helped me make sense of it all. The good and the bad. You're the friend I could call even after a long absence and pick up like we'd never been apart.

I could live any life I wanted in the depths of your blankness. Meet the most unexpected kinds of people. I could explore both the dark and the light. I could do none of the above, and simply escape into my imagination after looking upon your blank face.

You asked hard questions, but waited patiently for my answers. You saw me through dark times, without judgment. I know you'll continue to be there, always.

Thank you,

Me

P.S. Do you think you could maybe start paying the bills some time soon? ;-)