The Difficult Decision NOT To Publish

I've been talking about, and working toward, self-publishing my first novel, Sorry's Not Enough, this fall. I've done a lot of research, learned a whole lot of things, tried my hand at creating an ebook cover, put my novel through several beta readers, and agonized over every word. My plan was to put together a few short stories as a collection to release for free a few weeks before publishing the novel, as a sort of teaser for people new to my writing. While doing all this, I was going to continue working on my WIP, Confessions of a Non-Believer, a commercial women's fiction story with a bit of religious debate. And THEN, when that was done, I would start writing my erotica series during the time it took to seek representation for Confessions, while hopefully making decent self-pub sales with Sorry's Not Enough. That was the plan, and I've put in a lot of work, so this post may come as a surprise.

I will not be self-publishing Sorry's Not Enough.

And no, it's not because I got an agent or anything like that. I will also not continue working on Confessions right now. I may tinker with it here and there, but it won't be my priority. This is a hard thing to say, because on some level I feel like I'm abandoning the love of my life. I love both of these stories, and it does hurt a little bit to say "Sorry, but I have to set you aside."

Anatomy of a decision

I'm not dropping out of the writing game. What I am doing is carefully selecting my career path. It has been in the back of my mind for a while that I have two separate audiences for my work. The dream would be that my fans would be my fans no matter my genre, but realistically I know that the audience for my women's fiction and the audience for my erotica are two separate market segments. There will be some overlap in the customer base, but sustaining a career in one or both genres means different marketing plans and, most importantly, a steady supply of new material for fans of EACH genre. My FTWA colleague Sophie Perinot wrote about author branding and genre in a post last August that really spoke to me. I think I've been mulling this over on a subconscious level ever since.

The bottom line in Sophie's post, and the reality of publishing, is that you will most likely mold your writing career around the genre you debut in. At least for a while. I'm sure you've all heard the saying by now that the best marketing for one book is to write (and publish) your next book. A solid career track depends on a writer being able to deliver a steady supply of writing that the readers are eager to gobble up. So it doesn't make sense to debut in one genre, then switch to another. Like I said, you might get some readers who follow you from one genre to another, but you'll essentially have to re-market and re-brand yourself to a new readership in the new genre. Career-wise, it just isn't a smart move. At least not for me.

Which is why my commercial women's fiction projects have to take a back seat while I focus on erotica.

I've had this idea for my erotica series for a couple years now, but I've always been waiting to finish (and hopefully land an agent/publishing deal) with the women's fiction first. Probably because that was the order in which the ideas came to me. If I am truly honest with myself, though, trying to break into the publishing world with my women's fiction is a BAD idea. Why? Because SNE and Confessions are the only two women's fiction manuscripts I have, and I don't currently have any ideas for more. Nor has any viable idea come to me in the past two years. All of the other awesome ideas I have are for erotic stories, starting with this series. The series idea was just a nebulous collection of scenarios in my head at first, nothing too concrete, so I kept working on Confessions. But now the idea is more fully formed and screaming to be written.

There's also another reason I'm shifting my focus to erotica: timing. I have a sense that right now - like, YESTERDAY! - is a prime time to launch my career as an erotic novelist. No matter how much I, or anyone, may dislike Fifty Shades of Grey for whatever reason, it has thrust erotica into the mainstream limelight. Do I think there's better erotica out there? Of course. I hope that mine can be counted in the better quality category. We'll have to wait and see on that. But there's a buzz around the genre right now, and it seems like there's no better time to step onto the stage and try to make a name for myself. The fact that this is happening now, and that my series concept has finally gelled into something I'm finally prepared to write, now, is immense stroke of luck. I mean honestly... the timing! I feel if I put it off any longer, I'll miss out on a great opportunity.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not hopping on a bandwagon. I've been interested in erotica for a long time now, and I've written short stories, and the idea for the novel came to me a couple years ago. Erotica has also been a very healthy genre, sales-wise, way before the 50 Shades explosion, especially in the indie and self-publishing realm. But now is just the right time for me. How can I say no?

But can't you just use a pen name for one genre and do both at the same time? Or even if you don't use a pen name, can't you STILL self-publish like you were planning to and also write erotica?

As I already mentioned, it just doesn't make career sense for me. Even if I use a pen name to keep the marketing/genre stuff separate, I'll still only have two viable women's fiction manuscripts. Why self-publish one, seek representation for another (or self-pub both), and then have nothing else in the pipeline? I feel I'd be doing a disservice not only to my readers, but to myself and those two stories. If I (fingers crossed!) build a readership and fan base with my erotica and it doesn't look like I'll have any more women's fiction stuff to offer down the line, maybe then I'd consider self-publishing SNE and Confessions as a little something extra to offer my readers. I think I'd have better luck getting fans of my erotica to read my non-erotic titles than vice versa. Not sure why. Just a hunch I have.

Even disregarding all of the above, I still couldn't do both. I. Just. Can't. Recently I did an interview for Matt Sinclair at The Elephant's Bookshelf (publisher of the Spring Fevers anthology) and he asked whether I tend to work on multiple projects, or one at a time. In hindsight I realized just how much my answer foreshadowed this very decision:

I attempt multiple projects, but usually I end up not making much progress on any. For several weeks now, I've been stuck in the "thinking and scheming" frame of mind for about three different projects. I have to buckle down soon and start focusing on one first, then another, so I can actually get something accomplished.

I simply don't have it in me to write this erotica novel in a timely manner while also trying to focus on self-publishing my first novel and all that comes with that - marketing, blog tours, monitoring sales, etc. And forget about trying to write the erotica, self-publish SNE, AND keep working on Confessions.  I get anxious just thinking about it.

I'm indecisive. It's one of my flaws. I'm paralyzed by choice. Having to consider and manage all aspects of writing two projects and publishing a third is just too much. In discussing this decision with a friend yesterday, I told him I have this thing where I have a hard time problem-solving by just taking things one step at a time. I see things in a very interconnected way, and when I consider even one option, I can't help but also see the myriad possibilities branching out from it, like a choose-your-own adventure on crack. While this ability is actually an immense bonus to me working in retail environments, it is crippling in my writing life. If I let it get the best of me, I'll end up doing what I've been doing for the past three months: wasting time on Facebook and Twitter or staring at mindless drivel on TV because the magnitude of so many choices, so many potential actions, results, and consequences is overwhelming.

This has been a gut-wrenchingly difficult decision. Partially because I've been saying I'm going to self-publish this book for a good while now, and seemingly at the last minute I'm pulling the plug. I don't like saying I'm going to do something and then not doing it, no matter the reason. Makes me feel like a flake. (Thank you to all my Twitter friends and the #goatposse for assuring me I am not a flake.) I'm not sure what else has made it so difficult for me... probably a little soul-searching and psychological analysis to be done there, but I won't bore you with that. :-)

I hope that by sharing my decision with you, maybe someone else who feels like they're floundering without direction or struggling with a decision that's been eating at them for a while will find the courage to really examine themselves and their goals. Writing is art, and I want to write the stories that I want to write. But I also want this to be a career, which means making tough calls about what I should be writing at any given moment. And sometimes it means going with your gut, even when you aren't sure, like me.

What's the hardest writing career decision you've had to make? How did you know you were making the right choice?

#Scintilla Day 9: Body Conscious, a Conversation

Finally current with Scintilla posts! Prompt for today: Talk about the ways in which your body is awesome.

Okay, let's see. My body. Is. Awesome?

Oh come on, you aren't going to bring everyone down with some kind of negative body image talk, are you?

No. I'm a realist when it comes to my body, both the flaws and features. I'm just trying to figure out what to talk about. How to frame it.

Well, what's your favorite thing about your body?

I really like my hair.

Your hair is not your body.

It's attached.

*hands on hips*

I've always liked my eyes.

Better, I guess. Still not very body though.

Very "body"? What does that even mean?

I don't know. Don't you think it should be something a little more sensuous? You know, all that stuff about curves and soft and inviting and womanly...

Bah. Boring. I certainly don't sit around thinking of myself that way. Besides, I have lots of "soft curves" in places I wish I didn't! Haha!

I thought you weren't going to do the negative body image stuff?

I'm not! It's the truth. And I'm well aware it's the truth. It's not negative body image when it's true. I'm laughing at  myself. Not everyone can do that, you know. It takes security and confidence to be able to laugh at yourself.

No, it takes not believing you're attractive to be able to laugh at yourself.

Not true. Maybe I think I'm really damn fabulous and just don't want less awesome people to feel bad if they hear me boasting about it.

Do you think you're really damn fabulous?

Eh. Not most of the time. But that doesn't mean I think poorly of myself or my body, either.

Okay, okay, whatever. I know what we should do. We should--

We?

Yeah. Me. You. Us.

Are you really referring to yourself in the third person?

No, I'm referring to your self in the third person. Anyway, you're the one having a conversation with yourself. Who are you to judge?

Touche.

Anyway. You should do like a sexy, suggestive kind of thing about your favorite body part. Or parts. Like your lips. You have nice lips.

Aww. Thank you.

You're welcome. Stop interrupting us. Where were we...? Oh yeah. Sort of like an "is this fiction or not?" kind post. About your lips or whatever. You know, the bottom one is nice and full, and it's kinda sexy when  you slick on that strawberry margarita lip gloss and pout a little bit and--

I don't pout.

Sure you do.

I do not. I don't frown, so I don't pout either. I smile. All the time. I think people think I'm a little strange sometimes because I always smile.

What? Shut up, they do not. And you do too pout. You know, a little sexy pout. Pout. Lips. Lip gloss. Red. Eyes looking up through your curly hair that you like, and maybe a wink, and a man should be so lucky to have that mouth--

Holy whoa! Stop right there. This is not going to be about sex.

*snort* Please. Everything is about sex with you, Ms. I Write Erotica and Find Innuendo in Everything.

Whatever. Why should it be about sex, just because it asks about how my body is awesome? Just because I'm a woman? And the only reason my body can be awesome is in a sexual context? For the pleasure of a man? Screw that! My body can be sexual on its own, but it doesn't have to be sexual. And it's not going to be about how awesome my body is because it has the potential to bear children, because it'll never do that, either. My worth is not related to my sexual organs and what they can do. Just because I have breasts and--

Okay, okay! My lord you have been reading too many feminist blogs lately.

What, I couldn't have formed my opinions on my own, they had to come from somewhere else? Why? Because I'm a woman? You can't gaslight me into submission and... oh. Okay, maybe you have a point.

Of course I do. I'm you.

Again, touche. You make some good points.

Of course I do. I'm you.

So what the hell am I supposed to write?

I dunno. I've got sex on the brain. You left those poor characters hanging right before a steamy scene in the short story you started weeks ago, you know. You should really finish that.

I know, but what am I supposed to write now, for Scintilla?

Write the truth. Isn't that supposed to be what it's all about?

The truth is that my body is not perfect, but it does what I need it do. Sexually or otherwise. *wink*

See, I knew you couldn't resist a sexual joke or comment.

Busted.

----------------------------------------------------

 ^^^THIS^^^ is why my brain is the reason my body is awesome. It never fails to amuse, enlighten, and entertain me. Sexually or otherwise. *wink*

Yes, I am a Judgmental Bitch

Whoa, what? Where'd that come from, you ask? Well, New Year, New Me! Okay, not exactly. And I'm not exactly a judgmental bitch... not all the time, at least. This post has been brewing in my head for some time now, and I figured what better way to open the new year than with a bit of spunk? The post title is fair warning to you all: I'm not about to be nice, and you might disagree with me, but I don't care.

Let's talk about erotica, shall we? A year and a half ago I first wrote my little Erotica Writer's Manifesto. It was partially serious, and partially facetious. One line in particular is especially important to me:  

I will not write trash.

I feel the need to reiterate this, and expand upon it. I know what some of you may be thinking: How do you define trash? One man's trash is another man's treasure. Or in the case of erotica, one person's squick may be another person's kink. I get that, I do. I like a good spanking scene now and then (as you can probably tell from my new short story), but that might totally turn off other people. That's fine. But for me, there is a line.

I joined a group of erotica writers late last year, excited to be in a group of like-minded people who write the same sort of stories I write. I love Agent Query Connect, and they aren't prudes by any stretch of the imagination, but I thought a forum specifically for erotica writers would be perfect for me. Well, I didn't stay long. I poked around for a couple weeks, interacted a bit, but then I deleted my account. I couldn't get anything more there than I do from AQC and my network of writing friends on Facebook and Twitter. That, and I didn't like some of the conversation taking place there.

I'll bring this back around to the issue of writing "trash" in a second, just bear with me here. Anyone who knows me in real life, or who's interacted with me frequently enough in any online forum, Twitter, etc. knows I'm generally very middle-of-the-road, don't like taking "sides", hesitate to make any sort of value or judgment statement whatsoever (because I don't want to offend anyone, and don't want to have to retract a statement later if I change my mind and decide I'm wrong). I have to feel pretty strongly to draw any sort of line in the sand. But here I am, drawing one.

There's a particular type of erotica that is immensely popular and sells very well. I happen to find it slightly morally repugnant. I won't buy it. And if it's not something I'd buy to read myself, I won't write it, either. The question came up on this other forum about jumping on the bandwagon, so to speak, and publishing these types of stories because they're a hot seller. Some said sure, it's a little squicky but I write them and they make me good money. Some said no, I wouldn't do it. There was plenty of "don't do it if it's not right for you" but also plenty of "set aside your own objections and go for it! It's a hot seller! You can do it!" I made a comment similar to what I just said above: I wouldn't read it, and find the subject matter morally questionable, and therefore you won't catch me writing it to make a few bucks. Someone came back with a gentle nudge to tell me I might not want to offend my fellow writers who are trying to make a living, just because they chose to do it writing stories that aren't necessarily what I would write.

Well, whatever. That pissed me off a bit, I'll admit. It made me laugh a little bit, too. I thought it was interesting that someone chose to single me out for my opinion, but not any of the people encouraging others to swallow their own objections and drink the Kool-Aid. But that's all really beside the point.

The point is this: I won't write trash, and I consider those types of stories to be trash. I've hesitated to name the particular theme in case... well, I guess I'm still worried about offending any of my potential readers (old habits die hard) but here it is: pseudo-incest stories. The ones with step-parent/step-child sex, or step-siblings, etc. Daddy/daughter stuff especially. (I'm sure there are other subsets and themes that I disagree with, but this is the biggest.) You wouldn't believe how well they sell. It makes me shudder.

But the fact that these stories are popular isn't the only thing that astounds me. The seemingly nonchalant attitude of some of the writers about the moral "grey area" they inhabit with such writing was pretty stunning. There are discussions among writers about how well some of these different stories sell, how to "get over it" and write this type of story ("it" being your own mental blocks/objections), how to toe the line of legality, etc. Of course the arguments against me go something like this: You don't assume a murder mystery author is encouraging murder, do you? You don't think an author who writes about serial rapists or baby-killers is endorsing that behavior, do you? No, of course I don't. But this is different. I'm sorry, but it just is. 

That's what I would qualify as trash. Subject matter that is morally reprehensible. And authors who pander to that market regardless. And without even bothering to write a good story. Because let me tell you, I followed the Amazon links and read some free samples, and in 99.9% of the cases, I found the writing quality to be sorely lacking.

The writing quality may even be what pisses me off the most. I have a message for these types of authors (and let me make it painfully clear, I am NOT referring to any and every member of that online forum I joined and then left, because they do not all fall into this category. I'm directing this toward any writer, anywhere, who writes these types of trashy storylines, especially if they also write trashily. No, trashily is probably not a word, but it fits here anyway.) Here's what I have to say:

You're giving erotica a bad name. You're the reason that people keep telling me I should use a pseudonym if I want to publish erotica. You're flooding the market with these books that I not only find disgusting, but that are also poorly written. Erotica can be so much more than just trashy sex. I'm tired of your predictable characterizations and plots. It makes me sick that many of these pseudo-incest stories feature a father figure who "teaches" the young woman about her sexuality. Or a mother figure who is a frigid bitch, leaving it up to the daughter to give the step-father the sexual attention he craves. I mean, seriously? WTF? Can't you at least think of something a little more imaginative? And hey, maybe a little less misogynistic?

Jump on the trashy bandwagon if you want, but you won't find me there. Not now. Not ever. You'll see all of my erotica published as J. Lea Lopez because I like what I write, and even if I touch on subjects or situations that some people may be uncomfortable with, I'll do it responsibly, and with some class. And talent. If I'm not willing to put my name on it, I'm not going to write it at all.

Focus

Bye-bye, Authonomy.  I'll be taking down my books and deleting my Authonomy account.  It's getting a bit ridiculous over there.  Maybe after a bit, it will settle down again and regain some semblance of order, but I can't wait around for that.  I keep getting distracted by all the petty arguments - some shocking, some hilarious - in the forums, the begging for backings, the spam messages.  I did meet some awesome people there, and got some good feedback, but I think it's run its course for me.  I have to focus on other things.  My life, for instance haha.  And writing.  Editing.  Submitting.

So my last sort of cryptic post was about me looking for a new job.  I was thisclose, but the job fell through.  I'm looking to cut back to a part time job to make more time for writing.  I had something lined up, a part time assistant manager position, but then the store manager stepped down a week after interviewing me and took the position herself.  Go figure.  So I'm still looking.  Meanwhile, I'm still doing the 40 hour a week gig and trying to fit in the writing stuff around that.

I had my first short story published in Divine Dirt Quarterly a few months ago, and I have a poem forthcoming with them.  I also finished an erotic short story that I'll be submitting this weekend to Oysters&Chocolate for their print anthology.  Keep your fingers crossed for me on that one.  I also have another short story I want to polish and find the right venue for, plus a couple ideas for more erotic short stories.  Hopefully I can acquire some more publishing credits to put in my query letters, once I start querying again.  Sorry's Not Enough is simmering on the back burner, awaiting some major revisions.  I want to up the pace on Confessions of a Non-Believer and get that finished and out to agents.  Then I can delve right into my erotica series.

It's time to focus.  Quitting Authonomy cold-turkey is the first of many steps to do that.

Change, it is a-comin'

Or so I hope.  I don't want to get ahead of myself, so my lips remain sealed on one of those changes.  *locks lips and throws away the key*

But for this new year, I want to renew and refresh my focus on writing (and yes, I realize my first post of the new year comes nearly a month in.  That will be something I hope to change, too.)  I think I'm going to try this newfangled thing called..... scheduling!  I'm not very good at rigid structure, so it might be a loose schedule, but I will be organized!

I still have some Aspiring Author Profiles saved up that I can use, and I'll have to solicit more from my writer friends (any volunteers?).  They'll come in handy for times when I either have nothing interesting to say, or don't have the time to say it.  I don't know why I didn't think of it before, but I'm going to start picking one day each week to write all of my blog posts for the week.  I haven't decided on a specific number per week, but we'll see.  Maybe just 2 or 3.  That's still more regular than I've been in the past!

I want to carve out time on specific days each week for my other activities and responsibilities.  That would include doing laundry, dishes, cleaning the house, etc. in addition to writing.  If I can get those mundane tasks taken care of, it'll leave me more time for writing.

And as for writing, I want to get Confessions finished as quickly as possible and start querying with that.  I still have to work out a timeline, but that will be based on this thing I can't talk about just yet.  I've barely scratched the surface with my latest round of major editing on Sorry's Not Enough.  And Marisol continues to give me bits and pieces of her story.  That one will have to go on the back burner for now, I think.  I need to do some more research for it, and I think I may have to take the unusual (for me) step of outlining and planning, since I want to turn that into a series.

On top of all that, I'd like to return to my poetic roots a bit.  I want to write (or at least try to write) poetry again, as well as trying my hand at some short stories.  Being published in Divine Dirt Quarterly definitely boosted my confidence, and I plan to continue submitting to literary magazines while I work on my novels.

Oh yeah, one last thing.  In addition to this blog, it's not a bad idea for me to expand my fiction platform and start marketing myself more aggressively.  What does that mean?  Well, I'm not entirely sure yet, but it will likely manifest in the form of a Facebook author fan page - maybe even separate pages for each of my books - and possibly new blogs to complement my books as well.  We shall see.

Sound like a lot?  Yeah, I think so too.  Then I read Elana's latest post about how she manages it all and I'm reminded of why she's so freaking awesome.  She makes it seem effortless.  I have to have faith in myself, though.  Maybe soon I'll be as adept at the balancing act as she is.

I think this will be a good year for me, writing-wise.  I plan on making the best of it, no matter what life hands me this year.

Letting Go.... um, maybe... not yet.... i don't wanna....

I had a thought the other day... I might shelve Charlotte and Sorry's Not Enough for good.  Just set it aside and move on.  I'm still as in love with the story as I was from when I wrote the very first word.  But I'm thinking Charlotte may not be the one to launch my career.  I'm really excited about Confessions and Marisol's story, and I feel like one of those would be more likely to be picked up by an agent than Sorry's Not Enough.  They have stronger hooks.  A young woman grieving the death of her fiance, exploring her faith (or lack thereof), and falling in love with her dead fiance's brother.  Yeah, I'd say that packs more punch than Charlotte's story, which I can barely even sum  up in one succint sentence.

Then there's Marisol.  I think Marisol could be my big ticket.  I was sitting down to gather my thoughts the other day (I need to sort out my ideas and figure out which book they belong to.  I'm thinking there will be at least 3 books in the series!) and wrote a nice little blurb to sum up the first book.  It goes something like this:

With her sexy roommate Zane knocking on her bedroom door, a boss who likes a bit on the side, and the rest of Philadelphia's men to conquer, Marisol is having too much fun to worry about climbing the fashion industry's ladder.  But when her boss's philandering ways cost him his co-designer and fashion show coordinator, under-achieving Mari must rise to the occasion.  While pressures mount at work, Zane tests her boundaries in bed with an endless supply of techniques, locations, and partners.

Sounds like fun, right?  Besides, show me another erotica novel with a bilingual, half Puerto Rican, sexy size 14 main character who enjoys porn, fashion, football, ice hockey, and safe sex?  And oh yeah, to top it off, she loves all things British (especially Dr. Who), blogs about sex, and will try just about anything once.  Mari is crazy.  CRAZY, I tell you!  If she doesn't land me an agent somehow, somewhere, I might as well stop writing.

So anyway.  Back to Charlotte and whether to put her away.  I'm reluctant to do it.  That's my baby.  Plus, I'm not sure if my newfound "acceptance" of her non-publishability is just me being honest and market-savvy, or if it's just me being scared to go for it.  Because let's face it, I haven't exactly been querying my pants off.  Less than 10 queries, pretty much all form rejections.  But I know writers who have queried 20, 40, 50 or more agents for one project, and keep on trucking.  Am I just backing out because I'm afraid?  Could be.  It's a bit of a tendency of mine.  All bravado in words, but coward in action.

Is it that whole fear of failure thing?  Or fear of success?  Fear of owning up to who and what I am and really living it every day, out loud, and not just in cyberspace?  I don't know.  I like to think I'm being smart and unemotional by looking at the black and white facts.  I find that as I continue writing and starting new projects, the quality of writing is getting better and better.   And no amount of revision can really bring Charlotte up to that level.  Or can it?  It could be that I'm just afraid of all that hard work.  Or impatient.  I want to move on and really immerse myself in these new projects, but a big part of my time is being spent worrying about whether Sorry's Not Enough is in the best possible shape.  Is my revising really finished?  Is there something I could do better?  I've even toyed with the idea of splitting it up into two books again, which would require major overhauling, and writing about 50,000 new words to make the second half long enough for its own book. 

I've been working on it for so long now, maybe it just needs a long rest while I work on something else.  I tried to set it down - and managed to do that - for a while.  But it was only a few weeks.  Maybe it should be a few months or more.

Am I just being a lazy coward?  My crit group likes it, and the few friends who've read it like it also.  But that doesn't mean an agent will love it enough to rep it.  Maybe I should stop rambling about it on my blog and make a decision.  I'll let you know as soon as I make it.

Rejection Time!

I sent out three e-mail queries yesterday.  Before I even got a chance to post my super-excited blog about it today, I got my first rejection!  It was just a simple form rejection, but don't worry, I'm not all torn up over it.  I pretty much expected it.  Even for writers way better than myself, it's a long and hard process.  I'm just excited to finally get into the game. 

Speaking of writers way better than me, my husband hates when I mention them haha.  He told me one of the most irritating things about me is when I downplay my talent, or rave on and on about other people's talent like they're so much better than me.  He loves me anyway, so of course he think's I'm just the best.  But I think he's been sneaking peeks at my manuscripts on the computer too.  Which is flattering, since I don't think anything I write is the kind of stuff he'd usually be interested in reading.  It's not that I think I'm no good....  I just think a little humility goes a long way.  No sense getting all big-headed and acting like an ass.  But just for my wonderful hubby, here's me in a rare moment of self-appreciation:

You know, sometimes I see it.  When a reader comments that something I wrote had exactly the impact I intended it to have, I see it.  During those times when I sit down to edit my manuscript and end up getting caught up in my own story all over again, I see it.  The flash of genius.  The Am I any good? meeting the Yes, I am.  I think I'm pretty talented, if I do say so myself.

Now c'mon, agents, do you see it too?

Good Times!

So I had a fabulous writing day today!  I finally got past the end of a scene that had me stuck for a while.  I don't even know why.  I knew exactly what had to happen, but for some reason I just couldn't write it.  But now it's written.  That, and the scene right after it.  And the whole chapter after that!  I'm getting so close I can taste it now.... I think I may be able to meet my September 15th deadline after all!  It all seems to be falling into place.

PLUS, Authonomy is now live!  That means that all of you - all four of you who read my blog - need to go over there, sign up, and search for my novel To Call Home.  Then add it to your bookshelf!  C'mon..... do it for me.  Pretty please?

I'm excited to see how things change or work out now that there will be an influx of new readers and/or writers.  We'll see.

Making Lists Keeps Me Accountable.... Yeah, Right!

I think I should probably do another post on Snazzy Dialogue, but I've been lazy lately. In every aspect of my life. Doesn't bode well for my Aug. 15 deadline, huh? I'm sure I'll make it though. I have a renewed sense of excitement about the story, mainly because a couple girls from work are so excited about it! They both want to read it. And I'm all about having as many test readers as I can. But just the fact that other people are as excited as I am about my stories just gives me a huge sense of validation that I hate to admit I need now and then.

Once Charlotte is finished, I can seriously get to work on Confessions of a Non-Believer (Bree and Luke's story). Plus, I can continue to dabble in the seedy and sexy world of erotica writing haha. It's been six weeks since I submitted my story and I haven't heard back from the magazine yet. Six more to go before I know it's definitely a 'no' from them. (Incidentally, I've only got about six weeks before my Charlotte deadline is here, so maybe one can keep my mind off the other till then.) I'm pretty sure I can write a couple stories better than the one I submitted, so I should do that and try again. I've just been so focused on Charlotte (or rather, so completely unfocused on my writing in general) that I haven't gotten around to it.

So here's my to-do list over the next six weeks:

• Finish Charlotte
• Write a killer query for Charlotte and send it!
• Dive head-first into Confessions of a Non-Believer
• Write at least one erotica short story and submit it somewhere
• Write another installment of Snazzy Dialogue posts

Sounds like plenty to keep me busy! Oh wait..... I also have a "normal" job. Damn. It's gonna be a busy six weeks.

Nose to the Grindstone

So I've been neglecting my blog posts a bit recently. I've been spending lots of time on Agent Query, helping lots of other people with their novels and not doing much work on mine. Oops! ha.

So something happened at my "normal" job about a week ago that made me think hard about what I'm doing with myself. And the honest truth is that I have no idea what I'm doing - why I'm working at a job where I love the people I work with but hate a lot of the actual job, and the pays not exactly spectacular; why I'm sitting around waiting for my husband's job to whisk me away to someplace better, even though there's no guarantee that will ever happen. And then I realized I'd be amazingly happy if I could sit at home and just write. Write and write, and read, and query, and hopefully get published. Of course we can't afford for me to do that just now. But who knows... maybe it won't be too long.

In the meantime, I have to use every spare moment I can grasp to really get serious about writing. To finish writing and revising Charlotte (I still need a better working title than that!) and get to work on the next one about Bree and Luke (which has the kick-ass working title of Confessions of a Non-Believer). I need to get a good query together for Charlotte. I need to send it to lots of agents. And I need to do it by August 15.

That's my self-imposed (and therefore liable to change), very ambitious deadline. August 15, 2008, I will send out my very first ever query letter.

So I'd better go get writing.

It was a dark and ugly novel....

And I'm writing it! ha. This whole process of having my manuscript read and critiqued by others is turning very interesting. Early on, Young Adult and Chick Lit were two of the genres my readers tended to associate with the book, which is not where I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be more adult and commercial, and I tried to focus on that with my revisions. Most of that came sheerly from changing the language/style of writing, but then I started adding and changing plot elements to achieve my goal.

Now, a few months down the road, I've gone from lighthearted Chick Lit to what one reader has said is something dark and ugly. Dark! Really! Some writers might be offended if they received a comment like that. And believe me, it crossed my mind to react that way haha. But ultimately, there are two things I've realized as a result that make me not offended, but extremely satisfied.

1. You just can't please everyone all the time. Not gonna happen, and I don't plan on trying. An opinion is an opinion, and I can do with it what I like. Ignore it. Worry about it. Use it to inspire me. Let it get me down in the dumps. It's up to me. So I'm learning from this one, but it's essentially going in the trash bin without me losing any sleep over it because of number......

2. Someone is having a hard time with my story, and that's a good thing! I knew before I started writing it that it might cause some knee-jerk reactions. I realize now that the way I wrote the story the first time was with the intention of soothing the reader into believing it was okay. Charming them into seeing how what they thought was a cut-and-dry ethical issue had more subtle grey areas. But why the hell did I want to do that? I don't know, but I know I don't want to do that anymore.

There are moral issues in this story, sure. But why should I sugarcoat it? I need to be bolder, more assertive as a writer. I need to make my reader uncomfortable and hope they'll stay with me long enough to see the happy ending through. If I'm going to change their minds about something, I want them to make the change freely, after some real hard thinking. Not after I've watered it down enough to make it easy to swallow. And the reader I really want is the one that will stick it out to the end, not throw a hissy fit and point fingers at my morality because I've made them too uncomfortable for their own good.

And while I'm on it - I'm either crazy, or some people are just really uptight, because I don't see why anyone would get quite so worked up over what I've written anyway. It is just a book, after all. Fiction.

And the Excitement is Mounting.....

.... and it is directly related to my last post. But not in that way! C'mon, get your mind out of the gutter. :-P

My excitement is mounting because I finally dove in and wrote a short story, and I know exactly the magazine I want to submit it to. I'm pretty happy with the story, I think. Needs a little tweaking (ha! my erotica story needs tweaking!) but I'm relying on a few good folks on Agent Query to help me out with that. These girls will read just about anything. Gotta love 'em for it.

I'm nervous, too, of course. And I haven't even submitted the thing yet. Sheesh. And I want to get my novel published? I'll probably puke just sending out my first query!

So once I get all my critiques back from my AQ group, I don't think it'll take me more than a few days to revise anything that needs to be polished up. And the magazine has an online submission form, so I'll be able to copy, paste, and send, then wait! Hopefully not too long, but up to 12 weeks. Fingers crossed!

Time To Steam Things Up

So guess what revelation came upon me last night?

I think I should try writing erotica.

Really. Contrary to this post and this post, I think it could work out really well for me. Here's my logic (because there IS logic behind this seemingly bizarre decision):

I wrote a scene for my book that someone told me was verging on erotica, but in a good way. I was surprised at the time, but didn't think anything of it. But now that I've thought more about it, maybe I could write erotica. It makes sense on many levels. First, I should always be trying to push my boundaries as a writer. I should be reading and writing as many different types of things as I can. It can only make me better at my craft. And nothing is further from my comfort zone than writing erotic fiction.

Second, I've already be complimented on an erotic scene. So I should be able to write more, right? I must have at least some scintilla of talent there. This ties very closely to the third level of logic: there's so much BAD erotica out there, that if I really do have an iota of talent I should be able to get a short story or poem or two published somewhere, be it a print mag or an online zine.

Fourth, and most important, if I can get a couple things published in reputable mags, whether it's erotica or not, that can only help when it finally comes time for me to start querying for my novel.

Now all that's left is the courage to start. :-) We'll see how it goes.

.....and the other shoe falls

As much as I love Agent Query Connect, it is not without its pitfalls. The critique group I belonged to has broken up, and though a few of us from the group have created a new one, we've lost one of the members I respected most. The specifics are unclear and upsetting, but I'm seriously disappointed in.... well, in a lot of things.

Let me speak for myself.

As a writer, the things I write are very personal to me. I put a lot of myself into every story I write. When I receive criticism regarding my writing (even the most well-intentioned and accurate criticism), it's very easy to take it all personally. It's easy to look for the personal faults or flaws in the person doing the critiquing. It's easy to go on the attack.

What's difficult is sorting through the words for the facts. For the valid points. What's hard is acknowledging that what I've written is by no means perfect. Realizing that someone else's criticism is not a reflection on my character as a human being, only a reflection of their opinion about what I've written. And though it should be easy, the hardest part can be realizing that even the criticism that seems unfair or harsh is mine to take or to leave, to do with what I will; I don't have to let it get to me.

I believe that under no circumstances is it acceptable to attack a person's viewpoints or ideas, beliefs, profession, integrity, etc. because I don't like the criticism they've offered me in a constructive setting. It is certainly never acceptable to attack a person publicly, by name, on a personal level, after that person has tried to diffuse the situation. EVEN IF I feel my points are valid and justified. EVEN IF I feel my sources are trustworthy. EVEN IF I feel the personal attack is somehow relevant to the original issue - a critique of my writing that I didn't like.

It's just not acceptable. It's unfortunate. It's childish. It doesn't solve anybody's problems. As a writer who seeks always to be truthful, fair, original, and always pushing the boundaries of my knowledge, I hold myself to a higher standard than that. I wish others would do the same.

I've not done any of the things I stated above, nor do I know for sure that anyone has. Like I said, the specifics are unclear and upsetting. I suspect it has much to do with fragile egoes and petty politics. But I hope we've all learned our lesson.

Battling the Demons

So I've been workshopping chapters from my manuscript with a critique group on the Agent Query site. I've gotten tons of feedback, some positive, some negative. A big negative being the "immaturity" of the MC and the overall voice. Not to mention some plausibility snags related to that. Ouch, right?

Right. But I'm afraid I've let it all go to my head a little too much. I keep dwelling on the negative critiques, despite the positive ones. I'm beating myself up. Trying to change too much. Over analyzing every word. I've almost convinced myself that the whole manuscript - all 76,000 words of it - should be tossed in the garbage can. Not that I'd ever do that, though, because I'm a bit of a hoarder when it comes to my writing, haha.

So instead, I'm going to take a short break from the AQ site and just get back to the story, really get in the mindset I need to be in to make it shine. I need to find my confidence again, my critical eye, my love of Charlotte (the MC in the book) and her story. I just need to get that back and stop telling myself I'm not good enough.

A little tangent (that is definitely helping with my confidence some): I've networked with another writer on AQ and he wants me to be his editor! He's got a great manuscript, from what he's already posted on the site, and I was flattered and thrilled when he asked me, of all people, to be his editor. Even though I've never edited anything (professionally, that is) in my life. But he saw something in my critiques that made him think we'd be a good author-editor fit. And I think he's right. This is probably the most exciting thing to happen to me in quite a while. Getting paid to read? How much better does it get?

And I think I'll end this depressing blog on that happy note. Yay for me!