Letting Go.... um, maybe... not yet.... i don't wanna....

I had a thought the other day... I might shelve Charlotte and Sorry's Not Enough for good.  Just set it aside and move on.  I'm still as in love with the story as I was from when I wrote the very first word.  But I'm thinking Charlotte may not be the one to launch my career.  I'm really excited about Confessions and Marisol's story, and I feel like one of those would be more likely to be picked up by an agent than Sorry's Not Enough.  They have stronger hooks.  A young woman grieving the death of her fiance, exploring her faith (or lack thereof), and falling in love with her dead fiance's brother.  Yeah, I'd say that packs more punch than Charlotte's story, which I can barely even sum  up in one succint sentence.

Then there's Marisol.  I think Marisol could be my big ticket.  I was sitting down to gather my thoughts the other day (I need to sort out my ideas and figure out which book they belong to.  I'm thinking there will be at least 3 books in the series!) and wrote a nice little blurb to sum up the first book.  It goes something like this:

With her sexy roommate Zane knocking on her bedroom door, a boss who likes a bit on the side, and the rest of Philadelphia's men to conquer, Marisol is having too much fun to worry about climbing the fashion industry's ladder.  But when her boss's philandering ways cost him his co-designer and fashion show coordinator, under-achieving Mari must rise to the occasion.  While pressures mount at work, Zane tests her boundaries in bed with an endless supply of techniques, locations, and partners.

Sounds like fun, right?  Besides, show me another erotica novel with a bilingual, half Puerto Rican, sexy size 14 main character who enjoys porn, fashion, football, ice hockey, and safe sex?  And oh yeah, to top it off, she loves all things British (especially Dr. Who), blogs about sex, and will try just about anything once.  Mari is crazy.  CRAZY, I tell you!  If she doesn't land me an agent somehow, somewhere, I might as well stop writing.

So anyway.  Back to Charlotte and whether to put her away.  I'm reluctant to do it.  That's my baby.  Plus, I'm not sure if my newfound "acceptance" of her non-publishability is just me being honest and market-savvy, or if it's just me being scared to go for it.  Because let's face it, I haven't exactly been querying my pants off.  Less than 10 queries, pretty much all form rejections.  But I know writers who have queried 20, 40, 50 or more agents for one project, and keep on trucking.  Am I just backing out because I'm afraid?  Could be.  It's a bit of a tendency of mine.  All bravado in words, but coward in action.

Is it that whole fear of failure thing?  Or fear of success?  Fear of owning up to who and what I am and really living it every day, out loud, and not just in cyberspace?  I don't know.  I like to think I'm being smart and unemotional by looking at the black and white facts.  I find that as I continue writing and starting new projects, the quality of writing is getting better and better.   And no amount of revision can really bring Charlotte up to that level.  Or can it?  It could be that I'm just afraid of all that hard work.  Or impatient.  I want to move on and really immerse myself in these new projects, but a big part of my time is being spent worrying about whether Sorry's Not Enough is in the best possible shape.  Is my revising really finished?  Is there something I could do better?  I've even toyed with the idea of splitting it up into two books again, which would require major overhauling, and writing about 50,000 new words to make the second half long enough for its own book. 

I've been working on it for so long now, maybe it just needs a long rest while I work on something else.  I tried to set it down - and managed to do that - for a while.  But it was only a few weeks.  Maybe it should be a few months or more.

Am I just being a lazy coward?  My crit group likes it, and the few friends who've read it like it also.  But that doesn't mean an agent will love it enough to rep it.  Maybe I should stop rambling about it on my blog and make a decision.  I'll let you know as soon as I make it.

Aspiring Author Profile: ME!

So I'm rounding up some aspiring authors to profile in the coming weeks, but I figured it wouldn't be fair to them if I didn't also participate.  So here's my questionnaire:

Name: J. Lea Lopez, not to be confused with a much more famous J.Lo, whose middle name happens to be Lynn

Age…ish?: 26

Location: Pennsylvania, US

Genre(s) you write: Women’s fiction, Erotica

Books/Authors you love: Dean Koontz. Absolutely anything by that man. Some recent books I’ve read that became instant favorites are The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, by Mark Haddon, and Wetlands by Charlotte Roche.

How long have you been writing? My memory’s pretty hazy before middle school anyway, but that’s about when I can recall writing down stories. In secret, of course, because I always based them on real people I had crushes on at the time. Like my seventh-grade math teacher. No joke. They were really cheesy and bad, but that need to tell stories (I now make up fictional characters, thank you very much!) has never left me.

Do you have any professional/industry experience as a writer? Nope. Wouldn’t mind getting some, though.

Had anything published? Not unless you count my high school lit magazine, or that joke of a site poetry.com. They publish anything.

Agent status (please X all that apply)

[X] Need one
[X] Want one. Desperately. Want. One.
[ ] Got one
[ ] We’re “talking”
[ ] I’m cyberstalking him/her, but so far they have yet to respond to my inappropriate sexual advances…. Erm, I mean, my query letter.
[ ] Agent? Who needs an agent?

Either/Or when you write:

Pen and paper, or computer screen? Definitely pen and paper.

Plotster (outlines, scene cards, etc.) or Pantster (writing by the seat of your pants)? Major pantster. I get a hint of the plotster sometimes, but it’s usually overrun by the ADD tendencies of my pantster self.

Music on, or off? On, most of the time.

Solitude, or surrounded by people, sounds, things? Each has its benefits. I do enjoy my quiet, solitary writing time, though.

Cleanest first draft possible, or screw grammar/spelling/punctuation and fix it later? Cleanest possible. I think things over so long before I ever even write a word, I guess that’s why it takes me so long to actually get a chapter written sometimes.

Slave to the whimsy of your muse, or writing like it’s your job, even when you don’t feel like it? Total slave. Like whips and chains, it’s that serious. I get extremely frustrated when I’m inspired with a great idea and “real life” gets in the way of me sitting down and writing. And I don’t always have the self-control to make myself churn out a couple pages every day. My muse likes to jerk me around.

Do you have a certain place/time of day/writing implement/obsessive ritual/etc. that is crucial to your writing process? I like to write in black pen. Even red pen sometimes. But blue irritates me. I don’t like using blue pen unless I have nothing else.

Where do you get your inspiration? It just comes to me out of nowhere. I might see/hear/experience one tiny little thing, then my brain immediately shoots off into what-if land, and before I know it, a story is born. For example, Sorry’s Not Enough was borne out of the idea of ‘when might a student-teacher relationship not be so inappropriate?’ and it’s evolved into so much more. That student-teacher aspect is just a small part of the picture now.

What one thing do you really love about your own writing? I don’t know. I like the feeling I get when I sit down to do some editing, and before I know it I’ve forgotten the editing part and just read 30 pages for the pleasure of it. That’s pretty special. But I don’t know what it is about my writing, necessarily, that I like. People compliment my dialogue. And my sex scenes haha. So I guess I like those. But that’s two things. Whatever, it’s my survey anyway.

What one thing do you wish you could do better? Dialogue. Doesn’t matter how many people compliment it, I’m still my worst critic.

Anything else you want to say? Fish tacos. That’s what’s for dinner. Soon as I make them.

Anything for us to read? Aww, you want more? Haven’t you read enough? Well let me see what I can dig up for you….
 
This is from Chapter 14 of Sorry's Not Enough:

“So are you and this John guy serious now?”

The answer to his question was a resounding no. She definitely wasn’t interested in anything serious. Not with John.

“It’s not a big deal.”

“You might want to tell him that.”

Charlotte smiled. This was a new side of him. It was strangely flattering to know he was jealous, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

“If I know anything about 17-year old boys, let me tell you that he’s looking for something definitely more serious than you are.”

“He’s 18 already.” His birthday was in September.

“An older guy, huh?”

“Yeah, I seem to like the older ones,” she said.

They locked eyes.

“Do you?”

“Didn’t you know?”

His eyes glinted. “I might have guessed.”

She wanted to tell him that the way he made her feel just by looking at her like that was a thousand times more remarkable than anything she ever hoped to get from John. Her smile faltered when she remembered what she was supposed to be talking to him about.

“Is there anything I can do about my grade?” she asked abruptly, making sure her voice wasn’t nearly as soft or teasing as it sounded to her a moment ago.

“I’m glad you’re thinking about that. I don’t know what’s been going on the past few weeks, but your work isn’t meeting the expectations I have for you. Not in the least.”

She hated that authoritative tone and the way his eyebrows arched slightly, his concern almost parental.

“Can I rewrite it?”

“I’m sorry, but no. The requirements for the assignment were clearly spelled out, and you had plenty of time to do it right. Your overall average is a low B right now, but there’s no reason you can’t pull it up by the end of the year.”

“I know I screwed up, okay? Isn’t there anything I can do about it?”

“You can do better next time. There will be plenty of assignments between now and the end of the school year to balance that one grade. If you were in danger of failing, I’d be willing to discuss extra credit, but you’re not.”

“Fine.” Charlotte stood up and stacked her books. She was already ten minutes late for Chemistry.

“I don’t know what more you want from me. I can’t have a special set of rules just for you and not the rest of the class.”

“I’m not asking for a better grade in exchange for sexual favors, I just want to rewrite the damn thing!”

He jumped out of his chair and hurried to close the classroom door. He turned to her, his face flushed red.

“What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to get me fired?”

“No, I— I wasn’t trying—” It was just a stupid joke. He was supposed to laugh, to give her that knowing look like he had when they’d talked about John. She’d said it thinking of Steven, not Mr. Patria. She had to find a way to reconcile the two ideas of this same man, or she really would lose her mind.

“I shouldn’t have said it. I didn’t mean anything by it, I swear,” she said, picking up her books and trying to maneuver past him.

“Charlotte, wait.” He reached for her, sliding his hand all the way around to the small of her back.

It was much too intimate a gesture, and she reacted much too boldly, stepping into him so that the only thing between them was her armful of textbooks. Reaching behind with her free hand, she found the doorknob and clicked the button lock with her thumb.

“We can’t do this,” he said, but he made no move to walk away. She’d never wanted him more than she did in that instant when his hesitation proved to her that, though he was unattainable, he was not unwilling......

Want to know how they got here, and what happens next?  You can read Sorry's Not Enough on Authonomy.

By What Measure, Success?

You may or may not already know that I have a pet peeve with Nicholas Sparks.  Mainly, I feel like the few books of his that I've read are transparent and predictable, lacking a mature depth of both plot and character, playing on base emotions for the sheer purpose of wrangling in yet another Almighty Dollar.

I really don't feel too strongly on the topic, of course.  ;-)  Couldn't you tell?

So anyway, I hear he's writing (or has already written) his next book, The Last Song, I think it's called, with Miley Cyrus in mind for the screenplay.

Excuse me, but wha--?  Huh?  However much I dislike his books, I don't begrudge him his sucess (too much) but I mean COME ON PEOPLE!  How ridiculously commercial can you get?  When I write my next book, I might possibly consider the agents I'd like to query and what their preferences are.  No way in hell am I going to be considering who I want to play my characters in the movie version, much less actually writing the part with them in mind!

Even more sad is that I will probably go see the movie just because I like Miley Cyrus.  Yes, I'm serious.  But I won't buy the book.  I've vowed never to buy a Nicholas Sparks book.  Ever.  If Grandma buys it and wants to loan it to me, though, well that's a different story.  I'll read it, bitch and moan about how predictable and ridiculous it was, then stew with envy that I don't have such a huge fan base that I can write crap and get paid for it.  Oh well.  Such is life.

Updates... and Unsuspecting Bodies

Third time this week!  Whew!  I've really outdone myself here.  So here are some updates:

Looks like I'll have an author interview with Terry Gould (Purple Heart) for you guys in the next couple weeks!  I'm excited about that.  I also want to try to start a series of aspiring author profiles, if I can bribe some of my pals from Agent Query or Authonomy to answer a few silly questions and let me post the answers here.  Plus, I think I'm going to try to post more snippets of my writing.  I haven't done it in a while, and posting the erotic poetry made me want to dig out some other stuff.  So in honor of that, here's yet another poem.  This one's a couple years old.

Unsuspecting Bodies

What might a body feel like at the moment
of impact? Was there a sliver of a second

where realization cemented foot
to pavement - like a deer in the headlights
of a city bus? What sounds like broken
bones, like a body thrown through
an Illinois afternoon? Could you pinpoint
exactly when the soul escapes

upward, toward the sun, and loses
itself in the clouds? How peculiar
that bodies, pressed one against
the other mingling sweat and perfume
and stale air from moustached
lips, wearing wool suits, designer skirts
and pre-faded jeans, how peculiar that unsuspecting
bodies in Mass Transit can sever

the lifeline. Such a trauma induces a fuzzy
deafness. They won't remember
how a body punctuates




busy sounds of the workday
like a timpani on the wrong
beat, only how the breaks
squealed and another body pressed
gracelessly close, grasping at a blouse
to keep from falling.

Erotic Poetry: A Duet

Over on AQConnect I belong to a crit group called Between the Sheets, which focuses on writing the best (read: least laughable) sex scenes possible.  Believe it or not, it's more difficult than it looks.  Another member, Max (blog here and website here) posted an erotic poem and offered a challenge for one of us ladies to write the counterpart from a woman's point of view.  This is what the two of us came up with:

Her
by Maxwell Cynn

Legs spread before me.
No flower so lovely as
the folds of her labia.
Her nectar glistening -
drops of honey in the morning sun.
The fragrant scent,
her velvet cunt calls me.
It fills my nostrils,
dances on the tip of my tongue.
There is nothing like
this heavenly musk.
Brine, acidic,
the pungent taste of passion.
The elixir of life,
flowing from inviting womb.
Her flesh is hot on my lips,
searing folds of carnal delight.
My tongue parts the Cleft of Venus,
curling against her excited clit,
cupping a thimble-full of her draught.
She moans
No sound so pleasing to the ear as this
The soft whisper of pleasure,
unsullied by words -
emotion given voice.
My senses reel,
overwhelmed.
Sight, sound, taste, and scent -
combine in an epiphany of Eros.
My tongue seeks her depths
hungry to be embraced by her.
She arches.
Her hips pressing upward
to meet my desire.
I bury my face in her,
enraptured by her need.
She shakes.
Her body given over,
controlled by primal passion.
A muffled cry -
silenced by clinched teeth.
Her fingers tangle in my hair -
pulling me to her.
She spasms.
All control is gone.
My pleasure equals her desire.
Her body contorts beneath me.
I suck eagerly
at her delicious clit.
A deep guttural cry and
she is consumed.
My body pours its seed
into the musty air
overcome by -
her.


Him
by J. Lea Lopez

He is poised
erect before me. I take
pleasure in soft skin that does not
betray the strength of his
cock, firm and yet vulnerable beneath my
fingertips. With my hands, I coax
him to his full length,
girth. Tonight I ignore the heat
of my Delta and bow my head in
worship of him, my phallic
idol. His contented sigh
deepens into a moan as my tongue snakes
down, around. Head,
corona,
shaft,
up again. Insistent
fingers tangled in my hair speak
of desire, of urgent
need.

My lips close around the tip
of him and suck
slowly, to the rhythm
of his breathing. He lifts
his hips, pressing deeper, seeking
more of my molten mouth and I open
to him, slide my lips ever downward, taking him
deep. My mouth constricts
around his cock, slides
up, slides
down, faster, harder. I am
consumed by the need to
consume him to the end. His lustful
groans are subdued, but the tension
in his hips - struggling against the urge to thrust
against me - tells of the frenzy
growing within. I am
relentless. He succumbs to my
mouth in a hot
flow. I lick
the salt from my
lips and savor the taste of
him.

Review: How Can You Mend This Purple Heart

I finished reading How Can You Mend This Purple Heart, by T. L. Gould, a few days ago. I can’t tell you how nice it was to jump back into the story after reading the beginning so long ago. It was like old friends welcoming me back. So here’s a review.

In Purple Heart, you get to know a motley crew of Marines wounded in the Vietnam War as they recuperate on Ward 2B at a Navy hospital in Philadelphia. It’s told through the eyes of Jeremy Shoff, a Navy radioman who never made it to ‘Nam because of a terrible car accident. The preface states that Purple Heart is a story about “boys who returned from combat as men; men who left the better part of their youth, a bit of their souls and a lot of their flesh in Vietnam. It’s a story about longing to recapture the spirit of boyhood and rekindle the optimism and fearlessness of youth. And it’s about their struggle to be whole again—or at the very least, to feel whole.” That’s a perfect summary of this book.

But you didn’t come for a summary, did you? You came to see me pick it apart, right? Well, okay. But I’m warning you… I didn’t find much to pick at.

Mr. Gould’s style of writing may be different than some readers are used to. There’s nothing strange about the way he structures his sentences, or his grammar, or anything like that. He doesn’t use dashes in place of quote marks. He doesn’t do anything else way outside the norm. But simply the way he tells the story is a little bit different than the rigid first-person or third-person points of view we often come across. As I said, the story is told by Jeremy, in first-person narration. You could think of the book as one giant flashback, with a much-older Jeremy looking back and telling the story of these two years of his life. However, as you read, you will very often forget that Jeremy is there. Information that he may not have learned until very late in the actual timeline of things, he presents to the reader up front.

For example, each important character gets a sort of “nutshell” introduction. Not all at once, of course, but at the appropriate times each character is introduced to the reader with important information that you’ll think about every time the character speaks or acts: physical appearance, personality, some tidbit about their background, etc. I personally like that Mr. Gould chose this technique because it really fits the subject and theme of the book. Essentially, each introduction is not saying “This is who they are,” but is instead saying “This is who they were.” The book is about how the characters try to reclaim the lives they used to lead, the young men they used to be, but we all know they can never truly go back. They have to move forward, adapt, change. In order to fully appreciate who they become, we need a good idea of who they were, and Mr. Gould’s way of introducing each character gives us just that.

The way the first person narrator seems to disappear at times also mirrors how Jeremy would see himself in the story. He is dubbed a “non-combat motherfucker” by one of the other characters, and it’s a brand Jeremy feels to the core of his soul. He’s ashamed to be in the company of heroes when the only thing he did to get there is get drunk at a party before his deployment. Though he wants desperately to belong to this group, he can never be more than an “honorary Marine,” and his telling of the story shows just how much he valued and cared for the Marines on Ward 2B.

This leads me to the other characters - those Marines. Mr. Gould spins a tale in such a way that you’ll root for guys you might otherwise want to punch in the face. I even grew a soft spot for Earl Ray, a racist triple-amputee with one hell of a mean streak. (Can you guess who gave Jeremy his cherished nickname?) At one point, in the middle of the book, a Vietnam Vet-turned-war-protester comes to speak at the hospital with his long-haired hippie girlfriend on his arm. He denounces the war and says he’s ashamed of what he did as a Marine. Earl Ray just about flies out of his wheelchair to beat the crap out of the guy with his one good arm. In my own real life, had I been alive in that time period, I may well have been that long-haired hippie girlfriend, but caught up in the emotion of the book, nobody was cheering harder than me for Earl Ray to get in a couple good hits before the MP’s pulled him away.

Earl Ray aside, my favorite character by far was Ski. Alex Dante Yavoshky, known to his friends as Ski, has a quiet strength beneath his youthful innocence. The way it’s written, his Roosian accent is easy to hear, and adds a vivid dimension to his character. Of course, it probably doesn’t hurt that I envision the adorably toothless Alex Ovechkin (Washington Capitals ice hockey, if you’re wondering) every time Ski speaks. I cried when Ski received an unexpected visit and a very special Executive Order. (You’ll have to read the book to find out what I mean!)

So after all this praise, where’s the criticism I promised? I was engaged in the story right through to the last page. But once I got to the last page, I wanted more. I’m not talking a sequel or anything (though that would be interesting, to see how each guy ended up say, 10 or 15 or 20 years later). I just wanted a little bit more from the ending. A little more oomph, or more “the moral of the story is…” or something like that. But then again, why should an ending be completely definitive and sublimely happy, especially for a story like this? It ends on an ironic note, with Jeremy living up to his nickname a second time, yet unable to find in San Diego the same kind of camaraderie he found with the guys on 2B. I don’t dislike the ending, I just wish it could be different, in the same way you look back on a tragic event in your own life and say “If only it had been different.” But it’s not. So we learn, we live, and we move on, just like Jeremy, Ski, Earl Ray, and the rest of the Purple Heart crew.

As if supporting a fellow writer - one who’s trudging the publishing route on his own - weren’t enough reason to buy this book, the strength of the story is. I dare you not to fall in love with every character in the book, and I dare you not to come away from this story wanting to hug every soldier you meet. I don’t think you’ll be able to do it.

How Can You Mend This Purple Heart is available at http://www.purplescribe.com/

A Self-Published Book

Not mine.  :-)  I became acquainted with Terry through a critique group on Agent Query Connect.  He started showing us chapters from his book, How Can You Mend This Purple Heart.  I immediately fell in love with the characters.  When Terry left the group, I was sad that I wouldn't be able to read the rest of the story.  We kept in touch via email, and he recently sent me a message saying he'd self-published Purple Heart!  He'd done some querying but hadn't gotten any takers, so he decided to do it himself.  I'm almost finished reading it, and I'll have a review in a few days.  Signed copies of the book are available through http://www.purplescribe.com/ so I urge you to pick up a copy and support the efforts of a fellow writer.

In other news, I made some significant revisions to the beginning of Sorry's Not Enough, revamped my query, and as soon as I go out and buy more stamps, I'll be sending out more queries!  I have a couple agents on my list who accept sample chapters with a snail mail query, so I'll be sending those out.  The insecure side of me hopes that if my query letter doesn't completely blow them away, then hopefully they'll take a look at the first chapter or so and decide they have to read more.

So later this week, in addition to the book review, I'll be posting some erotic poetry.  What?  Erotic poetry?  Scandalous!  Two poems, one of mine and one by a guest poet, Maxwell Cynn.  We also met through AQ Connect and he posted his poem first, then asked for a female counterpart.  I took a stab at it, and I think it turned out pretty well.  Stay tuned for that this week!

How Can You Be Mad at This Face?

This is one of the reasons I haven't gotten around to the blog recently!  C'mon, look at those adorable little Mini Dachshund eyes!  You can't be mad at me now, can you?  A friend of mine rescued her from a neglectful home and now she's our little baby.  She's a bit needy at times, wanting always to be with you, to be touching you, licking your face, sitting on your lap.  But I can't refuse that little face.  Just.  Can't.  Do.  It.  So computer time has been challenging, especially since she always wants to be sitting on my lap, and when my hand strays for too long to type or move the mouse, she fusses.  She's getting better though.

Still, I can't believe how long it's been since my last entry!  I've gotten some writing done with Confessions.  Not a lot, but some.  Still some revisions and polishing going on with Sorry's Not Enough.  The erotica novel is basically on hold right now.  Just not enough time in the day!  I do want to get the corresponding blog up and running though.  I've set up the address, now I need to get some posts done and set them to publish at future dates so I don't have to worry about it.  I'm hoping to get some decent attention (and potential fans) with that blog, before the manuscript's even ready for an agent.  Can you imagine if I could go to an agent with the completed ms, a blog, and a built-in readership ready to go?  That would be awesome.

Meanwhile, real life is happening.  The day job is sucking me dry, but paying the bills.  I've started writing on HubPages, though I don't have too many articles just yet.  And I signed up for oDesk, but I haven't yet downloaded the software or bid on any jobs.  Should probably get off this dial-up and onto something a little more high speed so I can be more efficient while I'm online.  It takes me 20 minutes to get online and pay my phone bill for crying out loud.  I don't think anyone wants to pay me to work on my slow internet connection for their freelance writing jobs.

I'm still doing the Authonomy thing, too.  It's getting frustrating because Sorry's Not Enough is stagnating in the charts and playing the 'game' can get old really fast.  I'm hanging in there, though, hoping to get some good feedback I can use to improve.  So that's the update for now.  Hopefully the next one won't take me a month.  And maybe I'll have some more adorable doggie pics!

Dr. Who?!?

I'm very sad that David Tennant will not be continuing as Dr. Who.  Nearly devastated, in fact.  Even if you're not a sci-fi geek like me, I have no doubt David Tennant could turn you into an eternal Dr. Who fan.  If you're a woman, anyway.  So I just saw a pic of the new guy who'll be playing Dr. Who - his name eludes me right now - and he could be promising.  He's got funky hair, which is cool.  But there's just something about David Tennant......  *sigh* I guess I'll just have to get over it.  This new guy better be good!

In completely unrelated news, I just started the accompanying blog for my erotica novel!  I won't give out the link yet.  Not til there are few good posts up to really lure you in and I have a few stashed away for easy publishing later on.  I haven't gotten very far with the manuscript just yet.  Been working a little more on Confessions, though Marisol's been getting to me again with her escapades.  It's very interesting in my head at the moment, with these two very different plots fighting for attention.  The exploration of grief, religion, and love in Confessions, and the exploration of sex and fun with Marisol!  Interesting, indeed.

Resolve

It's that time of year.  You know which one.  When we all start resolving to do things.  Making resolutions and such.  I've never liked making New Year's Resolutions, and the very few I ever did make I (as you can guess) never kept.  In fact, I have some troubles with resolve in general.  Always have.  Call it indecision.  Or apathy.  I don't know.  It's difficult for me to make absolute decisions and to stick with them.  I'm more than happy to go with the flow, live with the status quo.... for the most part, anyway.  Now and then I get into a place where something is just so off that I make a decision and stick to it, finally.  I may be at such a place right now.

It's been a tough few weeks on the personal front.  All things writing aside.  I'm fighting against a little despair monster that's nibbling at my fingertips, waiting for the right moment to take my whole hand and drag me under.  Trying to deal with a sadness and stress I haven't had to deal with in a long time, coupled with changes at work.  Sometimes when something else is going on in my head, the usual little things I'd normally put up with seem a whole lot bigger.  I can't figure if my job is asking more of me than I ever wanted to give, or if my family crisis is taking so much from me that there isn't much left to give - to work, to writing, to anything.  I can feel a familiar dark space creeping up on me.  A place I left a long time ago, but that pops up now and again in the form of an irrational bad mood that I at once recognize and rectify.  But I'm afraid if I give into the emotion - if I let go of my apathy and cool exterior - I'll slip too far, into more than a mood, into something not easily rectified.

I'm afraid I won't be able to comfort the one person who needs me because I can't handle my own emotions.

And while this home life battle is raging in my head, it's compounding on the difficulties of losing one job and having to start all over new.  Different people, different place.  Completely different atmosphere.  In a field I told myself two years ago I didn't want to continue in.  Yet here I am.  When I found out I was losing my job, the sheer panic of being unemployed and not being able to pay our bills launched me headfirst into this new position with a new company, but doing essentially the same thing.  Just in a bigger place, with a faster pace, and more demands.  Did I make the right choice?  I thought I wanted to write more, try to get published?  What am I doing here?  Can I handle this?  I've never been a quitter.  I want to keep my word.  In my interviews I said that although there'd be an adjustment period, there wouldn't be any problem.  I'm adaptable, I said.  I go with the flow.  That's always been true.  So why now is the flow threatening to drown me?  I can't figure if I'm unhappy just because I'm unhappy, or if I'm unhappy because this job and me just aren't a good fit. 

So I'm at that place where I want to scream and cry and pull my hair out and have someone else make the best decision for me, except no one can decide for me.  I'm at that place I get sometimes where I just have to resolve to do something.  Have to make the decision.  But it's so easy to do nothing.  Much easier than holding yourself accountable for anything. 

Like it or not, I have to keep the job for now.  Not much choice there.  Bills have to be paid.  And in my podunk little corner of the country, there aren't a lot of "hiring" signs.  At least not at places that will pay me what I need.  And without a driver's license, I'm even more limited.  So unless it becomes really unbearable, I'll be staying put for a bit.  But I can at least try to do something about the rest of my life.  So I need to get on track with a few things in 2009.  Once I find my resolve, I'll be using it to:

* Stop putting so much weight in other people's opinion.  Know my own strengths and my positive qualities as a person, and believe in them first, before anyone else.

* Take care of myself, phsyically, emotionally, psychologically, etc.

* Get that damned license!

* Write more often.  Write with purpose.  Write with passion. 

* Get tons of query letters out! 

* Never take one day with my family for granted.  Appreciate everything, and everyone, in my life while I still have them to appreciate.

* Be happy.  :-)

The Good, The Bad, and The Who Cares??

I can't seem to get above a once-a-month frequency in my posts lately. :-)  But here I am again.  Let's start with

The Bad - Cancer and Bankruptcy!

Yes, cancer.  Not me, thank goodness, but in my family.  Found out the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and it's been a tough couple weeks since then.  Literally the day after this diagnosis, I found out the company I work for had filed for bankruptcy.  Jobless by New Year's!  Fabulous.

The Good - Luck and Writing!

I caught a lucky break and just happened to be in the store last week when another store manager came by saying she needed to hire an Assistant.  I filled out the application and handed her my resume that afternoon, interviewed that evening, and again two days later with the District Manager.  Now I'm just waiting on all the background and reference checks and hopefully I'll have an offer this week!

Also, although I haven't been writing much the past two weeks, I HAVE started my erotica novel!  I've got a couple chapters down, a basic plot (which is what I was struggling with to begin with) and I'm having tons of fun with it.  To Call Home is still at a bit of a stalemate on Authonomy (ranked 169) but I haven't been plugging it much.  However, I've reached the #7 Talent Spotter ranking!  It's pretty cool.  Hopefully if I can crack the top 5 in that and get my face on the homepage, then I'll get a few more readers.

The Who Cares?? - Naysayers!

Continuing with the topic of writing, Nathan Bransford blogged about Authonomy!  I'm not saying 'who cares' to Nathan and his blog, of course!  I don't get to it terribly often, but I really enjoy his blog.  The 'who cares' is for some of the ridiculous commenters on that post.  People who've never even used Authonomy bashing it, people bashing it because they didn't have the success they seemed to think they deserved, or because they weren't comfortable with the "game" aspect of it.  Of course it's big on shameless self-promotion, but isn't querying the same thing?  By simply sending your query to agents, aren't you essentially saying "read me! publish me!  i'm fabulous!" ?  Authonomy is no different.  The comments on Nathan's blog were mixed good and bad - a few of us Authonomites managed to get in some good words.  But overall.... if you don't like it, that's fine.  No reason to call the rest of us who DO spend time there silly, and our writing trash.  Just hush and get on with your life and we'll do the same. 

Snazzy Dialogue III: Using Dialogue to Differentiate Characters

Oh my gosh, it's been ages since I had a Snazzy Dialogue post!  I'll try to do better, I promise.  Here's the next installment, and I hope it makes up for the huge amount of time I've been absent from the blog.

As I’m embarking on new writing projects and editing older ones, I continue to scrutinize my dialogue. The main characters in my current projects are very different women, and they all have different ways of speaking, which brought me to this current post about using dialogue to differentiate characters.

In my critique group, an old member had a few characters who were very similar in terms of race, class, socioeconomic background, education, etc. She was struggling with how to differentiate them, how to make each one unique from the other. One possible way, I think, is through dialogue.

One way to do this is through the content of the character’s dialogue, and using that to express the different personalities, desires, and goals of the characters. For example, having a character simply saying the things that make them different from other characters. However, you can run into the problems of using dialogue too much for exposition, and also being too obvious with the dialogue. What I want to discuss today is the more subtle way to differentiate characters simply by their manner of speaking.

For example, I have two characters in To Call Home who are similar in many ways. Charlotte and Lora are the same age, grew up together in the same town, both white females, similar socioeconomic standings, etc. But you can see the differences when they speak to each other. Charlotte has a tendency to avoid difficult questions through silence or circumlocution. Lora gets straight to the point, asking lots of questions and giving blunt answers. Here’s a small excerpt of an argument between the two girls.

Lora put a hand on her shoulder. “What’s going on with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you’re freaking me out a little bit. I’m sorry if it makes me sound like a jerk, but you weren’t even this…crazy—” (she winced when she said it) “—right after your mom died. What’s going on now?”

Charlotte shrugged, exaggerating the movement of her shoulders and slumping her chin to her chest.

“I don’t know what I should tell you. What I can tell you.”

“It’s fucking me you’re talking to,” Lora whispered. “That shouldn’t even be a question in your mind.”

But it was. She couldn’t help it.

“I don’t have anything useful to say right now. I just don’t even know what words should be coming out of my mouth. But please don’t leave right now, okay? Please?”

The content of the dialogue isn’t as important as the manner in which the girls speak to each other. You can see Lora’s dominating personality in the way she asks questions plainly, and doesn’t hesitate to potentially insult her friend by calling her crazy. Charlotte, on the other hand, can’t give a simple answer to anything at this point. She talks a lot here, but doesn’t actually answer Lora’s questions. These two interact like this a lot, no matter what they’re talking about. And it’s much more interesting to see the conversations and relationships develop this way, instead of having Charlotte and Lora say the exact feelings behind the dialogue, which would read something like this:

“You were really depressed and confused after your mom died, but that was three and a half years ago. Why are you still being so immature and evasive?” Lora asked.

Charlotte stared at her. “Because I think I’ve fallen in love with Steven, who you don’t know is our new English teacher. Sorry I didn’t tell you about that sooner.”

“Your summer fling is our new teacher? Crazy! But what’s so bad about falling in love?”

“Since my dad was a rat bastard, I have it ingrained in my subconscious that all men will eventually hurt me.”

“Oh. Makes sense.”

Yeah, not very interesting. Maybe a little funny, but that’s not what we’re going for. We want subtlety.

Very briefly, since this post is getting quite long, I’ll mention a couple other things that go along with differentiating characters through dialogue. You can use speech impediments or catch phrases to make characters unique. You can use a style of speech - more formal, a lot of vernacular, etc. Charlotte doesn’t hesitate to say things like “Jesus!” or “Christ!” But there are other characters who wouldn’t say that. I know a lady from work who always says “How ’bout it?” in her thin, gravelly voice. It makes me laugh. It would make for a great catch phrase for just the right character. These are all just little ways we can use dialogue to add further depth and dimension to our characters.

Rejection Time!

I sent out three e-mail queries yesterday.  Before I even got a chance to post my super-excited blog about it today, I got my first rejection!  It was just a simple form rejection, but don't worry, I'm not all torn up over it.  I pretty much expected it.  Even for writers way better than myself, it's a long and hard process.  I'm just excited to finally get into the game. 

Speaking of writers way better than me, my husband hates when I mention them haha.  He told me one of the most irritating things about me is when I downplay my talent, or rave on and on about other people's talent like they're so much better than me.  He loves me anyway, so of course he think's I'm just the best.  But I think he's been sneaking peeks at my manuscripts on the computer too.  Which is flattering, since I don't think anything I write is the kind of stuff he'd usually be interested in reading.  It's not that I think I'm no good....  I just think a little humility goes a long way.  No sense getting all big-headed and acting like an ass.  But just for my wonderful hubby, here's me in a rare moment of self-appreciation:

You know, sometimes I see it.  When a reader comments that something I wrote had exactly the impact I intended it to have, I see it.  During those times when I sit down to edit my manuscript and end up getting caught up in my own story all over again, I see it.  The flash of genius.  The Am I any good? meeting the Yes, I am.  I think I'm pretty talented, if I do say so myself.

Now c'mon, agents, do you see it too?

Charlotte, Confessions, and Disney World

My my my!  It's been quite a while since my last post.  To Call Home is complete, as I already told you.  I've compiled a list of agents to query.  I've got a query letter ready.  I went to Disney World last week on vacation, and now that I'm back, I'll be sending out my first query this week!  I'm so excited to get my first rejection haha.  I hope I get more than a bunch of rejections, of course, but I'm realistic.  It takes better writers than me lots of time and lots of query letters to land an agent and a deal, so I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

During the two-hour plane ride to Orlando, I actually got a little bit of writing done on Confessions of a Non-Believer.  But even as I'm writing that one, I'm bombarded by scene ideas for my erotica novel, which as of yet has almost no plot, no working title, no nothing except a main character named Marisol.  But still, I'm even thinking Marisol's story could turn into a series.  Me, write an erotica series? haha.  Never thought I'd be able to say that with a straight face.

I think I might start writing the erotica one even as I'm working on Confessions.  I found that hard to do while finishing up To Call Home, but I think that was more to do with the fact that one is third person POV, past tense, and the other is first person POV, present tense (why, why, why am I writing first-person present when I've heard so many times that agents hate it??? haha).  But Confessions and Marisol's story will both be first person, one present and one past tense.  I think I can do it without too much difficulty.  Besides, Marisol won't quit giving me crazy ideas about who she wants to sleep with and where.....

But anyway, for your reading pleasure, To Call Home is posted on Authonomy in its entirety.  Confessions of a Non-Believer is still in progress, obviously, but the first 5 chapters are also on Authonomy.  Search for them by title, or search for me as J. Lea Lopez or live2write.

DONE!

Yesterday was my self-imposed deadline forgetting To Call Home (Charlotte) written.  And I did it!  I'm typing up the last two chapters as we speak.  Yes, even though I haven't finished typing, it's still done to me.  Since I still write the old fashioned way, with pen and paper, the typing part is really more of a revision process.  I'm pretty happy with the way I ended it, and I'm ecstatic that I can start querying soon, and start focusing on my other writing projects!

My query letter has seriously shaped up from my first pathetic attempt, and I think I can send this one out and not be embarrassed at it haha.  I have to get my agent list together and prioritize it, personalize my queries whenever possible, etc.  I'm going on vacation in a few weeks, so I might wait until I get back to send my first query letter.  I'd hate to get a response on, say, the first day of my vacation, and not know about it for a week!  I also don't want to be obsessing over it too much when I'm supposed to be having fun.

But anyway..... done done done done done!  I'm doing a little dance in my head right now.  I'm so excited!