Resolve

It's that time of year.  You know which one.  When we all start resolving to do things.  Making resolutions and such.  I've never liked making New Year's Resolutions, and the very few I ever did make I (as you can guess) never kept.  In fact, I have some troubles with resolve in general.  Always have.  Call it indecision.  Or apathy.  I don't know.  It's difficult for me to make absolute decisions and to stick with them.  I'm more than happy to go with the flow, live with the status quo.... for the most part, anyway.  Now and then I get into a place where something is just so off that I make a decision and stick to it, finally.  I may be at such a place right now.

It's been a tough few weeks on the personal front.  All things writing aside.  I'm fighting against a little despair monster that's nibbling at my fingertips, waiting for the right moment to take my whole hand and drag me under.  Trying to deal with a sadness and stress I haven't had to deal with in a long time, coupled with changes at work.  Sometimes when something else is going on in my head, the usual little things I'd normally put up with seem a whole lot bigger.  I can't figure if my job is asking more of me than I ever wanted to give, or if my family crisis is taking so much from me that there isn't much left to give - to work, to writing, to anything.  I can feel a familiar dark space creeping up on me.  A place I left a long time ago, but that pops up now and again in the form of an irrational bad mood that I at once recognize and rectify.  But I'm afraid if I give into the emotion - if I let go of my apathy and cool exterior - I'll slip too far, into more than a mood, into something not easily rectified.

I'm afraid I won't be able to comfort the one person who needs me because I can't handle my own emotions.

And while this home life battle is raging in my head, it's compounding on the difficulties of losing one job and having to start all over new.  Different people, different place.  Completely different atmosphere.  In a field I told myself two years ago I didn't want to continue in.  Yet here I am.  When I found out I was losing my job, the sheer panic of being unemployed and not being able to pay our bills launched me headfirst into this new position with a new company, but doing essentially the same thing.  Just in a bigger place, with a faster pace, and more demands.  Did I make the right choice?  I thought I wanted to write more, try to get published?  What am I doing here?  Can I handle this?  I've never been a quitter.  I want to keep my word.  In my interviews I said that although there'd be an adjustment period, there wouldn't be any problem.  I'm adaptable, I said.  I go with the flow.  That's always been true.  So why now is the flow threatening to drown me?  I can't figure if I'm unhappy just because I'm unhappy, or if I'm unhappy because this job and me just aren't a good fit. 

So I'm at that place where I want to scream and cry and pull my hair out and have someone else make the best decision for me, except no one can decide for me.  I'm at that place I get sometimes where I just have to resolve to do something.  Have to make the decision.  But it's so easy to do nothing.  Much easier than holding yourself accountable for anything. 

Like it or not, I have to keep the job for now.  Not much choice there.  Bills have to be paid.  And in my podunk little corner of the country, there aren't a lot of "hiring" signs.  At least not at places that will pay me what I need.  And without a driver's license, I'm even more limited.  So unless it becomes really unbearable, I'll be staying put for a bit.  But I can at least try to do something about the rest of my life.  So I need to get on track with a few things in 2009.  Once I find my resolve, I'll be using it to:

* Stop putting so much weight in other people's opinion.  Know my own strengths and my positive qualities as a person, and believe in them first, before anyone else.

* Take care of myself, phsyically, emotionally, psychologically, etc.

* Get that damned license!

* Write more often.  Write with purpose.  Write with passion. 

* Get tons of query letters out! 

* Never take one day with my family for granted.  Appreciate everything, and everyone, in my life while I still have them to appreciate.

* Be happy.  :-)